Deny not the role of feeling in this dimension, for feeling is everything! …Feeling – unbridled, unblocked, unobstructed feeling – is the doorway to that Love that sets you free.
Therefore, when you say, “I don’t want to feel this,” rest assured you are truly saying, “Yes, the doorway to the Kingdom of Heaven is right in front of me, but if you think I’m going to open it, you are crazy!”
What I learned
This is a section that makes me uneasy. I have never been comfortable with strong emotional responses. I would much rather think about how it would feel if I were to actually feel it. I am very comfortable describing how it would feel and using this as a substitute for actually feeling. I will argue that I see no point in feeling. I just don’t get this. I will bargain; I’ll do all the other stuff, I don’t care how hard it is, and I will just skip this one little part.
This morning while I prepared for my meditation, I noticed my resistance to this particular journaling. I wondered why this is such a problem for me and then I went into my meditation. Very quickly the word control came into my mind. I’ve been given this guidance before and not paid a lot of attention. It is time to make a new choice. I want to feel the presence of God, and yet, I have shut off feeling. I have judged everything and found it wanting. And since I have created everything in my experience, I find myself unworthy and am ashamed to be in the presence of God.
I still feel enormous resistance to the idea of feeling. As I write I hear the voice in my ego mind insisting that this is ridiculous. If I start feeling everything I will just stay in the drama. Isn’t that what the drama is all about, feeling rage, feeling self satisfaction when I am proved right, when I win? I thought this is what I am trying to get a way from. It is not very spiritual to feel these things. What if I like it too much and can’t remember how to get out? What if I don’t want to come back?
I have another Voice which gently reminds me that this is a judgment and my judgments are holding me prisoner, keeping me paralyzed in a state of non feeling, moving neither backward or forward. In my effort not to feel any more than is necessary, I have shut out both hatred and love. The ego has its clammy hand on my heart and it is clutched in the icy grip of fear. I seem to fear that if I accept rage and allow myself to feel it all hell will break lose and I may never get it back under control. What if I loved without limit, no boundaries? What if not one little thought or fear crept in to bar the flow of love? Would I drown in it? Would I be punished for daring to enter the domain of God?
I am willing to live differently now, Holy Spirit. I am willing to trust that I will survive my feelings and they will not crush me under the force of their power. I am willing to let go of judgment and accept that all things I experience are created by me and they are good. I will not pick and choose among my experiences, but will trust myself because I trust the One Who created me. I am willing to release all fear to the Holy Spirit to be transformed. I do not know how to do this. Show me my part.
As Jeshua says, I say: I am now committed to Love. Bring on whatever I must experience to bring up from the depth – the places where I’ve hidden it within me – every obstacle that must yet be dissolved by the light of the grace of perfect Love. Even as I make this commitment, I feel fear. My thought is, I don’t want to give up this peace I feel now. And I hear the Voice tell me that I don’t know peace. I only know the absence of feeling, and it is taking all my energy to hold back feeling. This is not peace, but a pale, pale shadow of peace. I can have real peace if I let go, release the control that is not really control, anyway.
And, yes, Jeshua I will do whatever I can for my part “to open up those places, to feel those places, to embrace those places, to love those places, to claim those places as wholly self created.” I trust that I can surrender into feeling and that it will not destroy me, that I can feel and yet at the same time, choose love. And as I let go of the fear of feeling, the fear of experiencing my creation, that which I was using to block God will be let go.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.