What do I truly desire?
What I learned
When I first started doing this exercise I thought it was easy and was surprised when others said they had a hard time with it. I want to awaken from the dream. I want to walk the world as Christ. I want to live in total forgiveness. I guess I must just be more spiritual that all these other people. Ha ha. Ok, that is probably not it. I did the exercise for awhile and quit.
Later as I had done more work with The Way of Mastery, I went back to the exercise and found I was ready to be honest. I do want those things, but I had not allowed myself to write down all the other things I want. And if I only wanted spiritual enlightenment, if I did not want anything else then I would have spiritual enlightenment. So I sat with the Holy Spirit and started my lists again. I will tell you the hardest thing for me to write on that list; I want to win the lottery.
I could not understand why I didn’t want to write that down. Obviously I want to win because I buy a ticket twice a week. Sometimes I think what I would do if I won. So why did I not want to write it down? I felt guilty for wanting it. I felt silly and foolish. I thought that people would think I was shallow and not very spiritual. Once I broke through my resistance on this one thing, I was able to write down what I wanted in any particular moment.
I also felt guilty for putting on my list that I want to lose weight and keep it off and never have to worry about it again. Want to lose weight just feels so un-spiritual. Here is another one that I only had the courage to write once: I want to speak to and hear the words or thoughts of Jeshua Ben Joseph.
I noticed the things I desired over and over: financial support to the end of my life, to be financially able to be a full time minister, to be a healthy weight. I also desired each time to walk the world as an awakened Christ, to be empty, to feel Love move through me. So what do all these desires tell me? One thing they tell me is that I am conflicted in what I want. They tell me that I am not consistent in my desires and that I am not sure what it is that will make me happy. I learned that I am afraid of desires and judgmental of myself for having certain desires.
Recently I have recommitted myself to the only thing that matters. I asked the Holy Spirit to use me in every moment. It does not matter what I seem to be doing in the world, it can be done with the Holy Spirit and so done to awaken the mind. I am still learning from doing the exercise in trusting desire. If anyone has had an experience of their own or if anyone has wise words to help me get more from this I would love to hear them.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.