If you have decided that there are certain energies that are demonic, evil or have the power to distract you from your union with God, you have already decided there is something beyond the reach of your power. And that is what disempowers you.
What I am learning
Jeshua seems to be telling me that I don’t need to be afraid of my desires because I get to decide whether or not I act on them, and the desire itself is not to be feared. In fact it is to be embraced and allowed to flow freely so that I can see where it is going. Even if a particular desire is not taking me anyplace, it is still important not to fear it. Fear is what disempowers me. I can see where this is very important.
I also understand that fear of desire and fear of my power run very deep. There is within me the memory of desiring to see what it would feel like to be unlike God. That did not turn out so well. From that one desire I have experienced more like desires, separation in its many facets and they all seem to have taken me further from God. I feel like it would be safer not to want anything and yet, I cannot get out of bed without wanting to.
Like everything else I have done since getting on this path, I can see that the only way to approach this is to trust that Jeshua knows what he is talking about and just dive right in. I started with little things that don’t really matter except as the denial of these desires add to the weight of my littleness. I look at a piece of cake and ask myself if I desire it. In the past the safe answer has been no. I don’t want that cake and then would go over all the reasons cake is evil, like calories, fat etc.
Now I look at the cake and just give myself a moment to really notice how I feel. I try not to use the thinking mind to do this. I don’t go down the list of pros and cons, but rather get in touch with my feelings about it. I have been surprised to see that sometimes I don’t even want it. Other times I do want it and then I have to decide if I will eat it or not. There are a number of things I desire and I choose not to act on that desire. This is the hardest part of desire. It is the reason I pretend not to desire. I am afraid of myself and of course this fear teaches me that I am weak.
I am practicing noticing how I feel rather than how I think I should feel. I am practicing allowing the feelings and desires to simply wash over me without judging them. I am practicing making decisions about whether or not to act on my desires without judging that outcome either.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.