I. The Message of the Crucifixion, P 8
8 I am sorry when my brothers do not share my decision to hear only one Voice, because it weakens them as teachers and as learners. Yet I know they cannot really betray themselves or me, and that it is still on them that I must build my church. There is no choice in this, because only you can be the foundation of God’s church. A church is where an altar is, and the presence of the altar is what makes the church holy. A church that does not inspire love has a hidden altar that is not serving the purpose for which God intended it. I must found His church on you, because those who accept me as a model are literally my disciples. Disciples are followers, and if the model they follow has chosen to save them pain in all respects, they are unwise not to follow him.
I am glad to know that even when I fail to share Jesus’ decision to hear only one Voice that I am not betraying him or myself. I weaken my ability to teach and to learn, but it’s ok, nothing important has changed. I am still the foundation upon which Jesus builds his church. The reason this hit home for me this morning is that I have been very conflicted lately when it comes to what is most important to me.
In the Manual for Teachers, Jesus said that it (the resurrection) is the relinquishment of all other purposes, all other interests, all other wishes and all other concerns. It is the single desire of the Son for the Father. Sometimes, usually actually, I feel this and I know it is true for me and when it is not, I want it to be true for me, so I have willingness for it to be true.
Recently, however, I have been going through a process of allowing my mind to be healed that feels like it is very protracted. I want to let go of the belief that food is the cause of weight gain. Man! This is a hard one. I believe it as a concept, and it makes perfect sense when I think about it. Jesus says that the body is neutral, that it is an effect and effects can’t have effects. He says the body cannot even feel. He says that everything including the body is in my mind and that everything is there by my choice.
I see that the size and shape of my body are choices I make. If certain foods seem to affect my body it can only be because that is my choice. I choose to have a weight problem and I create the illusion of it happening every time I eat certain things. Why would I do that? It must be part of the unconscious guilt we all carry around.
It takes form in different ways and this is one of them. Probably other reasons too, but the most important thing for me to notice is that I but do this to myself and the source of the problem are my thoughts, the way it occurs is just the way I get the effect I want while convincing myself it is not my fault and I am just a victim.
That is clear enough for me to work with the concept, but moving it from the head to the heart is turning out to be more difficult than I would have imagined. Which brings me to today’s idea. I realized that my prayer for healing is taking me more deeply into the issue. Do I want to have a certain size and shape to my body? Is this my purpose, my interests, my concerns, my goal? Or is my purpose to let go of all other goals, and to give myself to the complete healing of my mind so that I can return my self to God?
I want to wake up! I want to remember God, and to remember my Self. I want to be a teacher for God all the time, not just in specific moments of the day. I want to help my brothers to wake up. These are things I really want. Until the next time I pass in front of a mirror and think, “I’ve really got to lose some weight.” Then I am right back to a different goal.
This morning I realized something. I thought I was asking that my mind be healed about weight loss. What I really want is that my mind be healed of the belief that weight loss is my salvation. I really want to relinquish of all other purposes, all other interests, all other wishes and all other concerns, and remember that I have a single desire. I want to be with my Father with my whole mind. No more dreaming of separation, just total union with All That Is. That is my real goal.
In the meantime, I am still innocent even though I forget my goal and go running after lesser desires as if they will save me. This manic attempt to make something out of nothing is painful, and Jesus has offered me a way out of this pain. I would be crazy not to take it. I am still innocent and as I remember my innocence, I am happy to see these little forays into nothingness so that I can ask again that my mind be healed. No guilt, no fear, just a return to mindfulness and a return to the truth and a return to being a disciple of Jesus.