VII. The Decision for God, P 5
5 Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations. Perceiving this as “sin” you become defensive because you expect attack. The decision to react in this way is yours, and can therefore be undone. It cannot be undone by repentance in the usual sense, because this implies guilt. If you allow yourself to feel guilty, you will reinforce the error rather than allow it to be undone for you.
Journal
This is a helpful paragraph because it explains very succinctly the process that keeps us in hell. I react without love, I become defensive because I expect attack, I feel guilty and so the whole thing is reinforced. And through this endless cycle I keep the idea of separation, which is hell, going, no end in sight. But Jesus says I do have a way out.
The decision to react is mine. I did it so I can undo it. God even gave me the Holy Spirit to break the cycle. The process to undo the ego is really simple, but when I allow guilt to enter into the process it get clogged up and I wind up stuck in the cycle. I know how this works because I have done it enough to qualify as an expert. Now I am trying to get my innocence badge instead. ~smile~
It seems so simple. I notice that I don’t feel happy. I pay attention to my thoughts and realize that I have mentally attacked someone. I have made a harsh judgment, or in some way failed to love that one. I see how painful that choice was and so I gladly ask the Holy Spirit to undo what I have done, to remove from my mind the attack thoughts that are blocking my happiness. Easy peasy, right?
Yesterday, I was checking on a customer’s system because I was told by the office that their ordering pattern was disrupted. I needed to see what was wrong. There is a person who is supposed to keep up with this sort of thing, but he didn’t do a good job on this one. So here it is, after 5:00 and still hot and muggy, and I am getting very tired. I had to drive way out of my way to see to this system.
The more I think about it, the angrier I become. The ego mind is just chattering away about how put-out I am and all the actions I can take against this employee. I feel my jaw start to ache because it has been clinched for so long. I notice how contracted my body is, my neck is stiff, my stomach tight. I notice how unhappy I am and that just a little earlier, all day in fact, I had been happy and peaceful, and now I am not.
I want to return to my peaceful state and so I ask for help. But I also notice that I resist the help. I keep thinking how wrong the other person is. What has happened is that I felt guilty for my foray into egoland. I also notice I feel guilty because I know I am attacking him for doing something I have done myself. But, now more than ever, with all this guilt piling up, I need to keep this guy guilty to justify my attack. Every time I try to forgive him, I start to feel guilty so nothing changes except the direction of my attack.
I ask the Holy Spirit to help me see this differently. I ask Him to remove from my mind all the attack thoughts. I ask Him to remove from my mind the guilt thoughts. I do not want to make my brother guilty and I don’t want to make myself guilty either. I ask that He remove from my mind the belief in guilt. There is no good purpose to guilt. Whether he is guilty or I am guilty, my belief in guilt keeps guilt going and this keeps the idea of separation going.
I need to make a different decision, one that does not include guilt.