VI. Judgment and the Authority Problem, P 5
5 When you feel tired, it is because you have judged yourself as capable of being tired. When you laugh at someone, it is because you have judged him as unworthy. When you laugh at yourself you must laugh at others, if only because you cannot tolerate the idea of being more unworthy than they are. All this makes you feel tired because it is essentially disheartening. You are not really capable of being tired, but you are very capable of wearying yourself. The strain of constant judgment is virtually intolerable. It is curious that an ability so debilitating would be so deeply cherished. Yet if you wish to be the author of reality, you will insist on holding on to judgment. You will also regard judgment with fear, believing that it will someday be used against you. This belief can exist only to the extent that you believe in the efficacy of judgment as a weapon of defense for your own authority.
Journal
This paragraph had a very strong influence on me from the first time I read it. I had always thought I was tired because I did too much, or didn’t get enough sleep. Sometimes I would be very emotional and would feel tired, but did not get the connection. Reading this paragraph, I understand that the body is not tired; it is the mind that is tired.
I did not at first understand the significance of this idea. Now I understand that the body isn’t tired, strong, weak, sick or anything else. The mind is these things and it is projected outward so that it seems the body is the problem. Believing my projection is real, when the body gets tired I give it rest and if it is tired too much, maybe I give it iron supplements, or take it to a doctor.
Can you see the absurdity in this? Because I value the idea that I could be the author of my reality I would see my body as, not just tired, but sick and suffering before I would give up judgment. It is important that I understand what I am doing and why, because I am not going to stop doing it until I do.
Pretending that being tired meant I needed more sleep or some magical remedy simply assures the problem will never be resolved. I will get sleep and feel better because that is what I decided on, but I will just get tired again because the real cause of my weariness has gone uncorrected.
As I have become willing to see the cause, I have become willing to allow my mind to be healed. It did not happen all at once. Imagine that the belief that the body is autonomous and that it gets tired because of something that happens in the world is a wall in my mind. Behind this wall is a building made up of many blocks, and each block represents a situation in which judgment is used to maintain the core of the building, which is the belief that I am my own maker.
Ever since I read this paragraph the wall has been crumbling. I have tried to ignore it, but it has crumbled away to the degree it can no longer hide the building. Now I see the building and can no longer pretend it is not there. I have started dismantling it one block at a time. Here is an example.
Someone sent me a “joke” based on the apparent ignorance of some people. At first I laughed and then I noticed that I didn’t want to laugh at this. It really is disheartening to judge my brother. A block that makes up the structure protecting my belief that I am my own god has been removed as I chose against judgment.
Last night when I got home from working out of town, I saw that my grandson was not home. I texted my daughter to let her know I had a little gift for her and she said that she was going to a graduation for her cousin on her step-mother’s side of the family. I started thinking about being alone and not included and felt resentful. I began to feel sad and lost interest in the projects I had planned to do. I felt tired and just wanted to watch TV or read a book.
This is an example of exactly what Jesus is talking about when he says that judgment is what makes us tired, and it is judgment that keeps the idea of separation going. I want to be my own author, to be my own maker. Yesterday, I was making a woman living alone and lonely; separate even from the ones she loves the most. I made myself a victim of unthinking and uncaring children. I wore myself out with all my judgments.
Luckily for me, I have been practicing mind-watching for a long time now. I recognize the difference between true thoughts and ego thoughts. I have decided for God so often that it is my default choice now and very quickly choose differently through asking the Holy Spirit to heal my mind.
It is through this process of watching the mind, asking for correction, and accepting the healing, that I have become willing to remove the blocks that have hidden the source of my problem. I have become willing to look without flinching (or at least not as much) at the belief that I want to be my own author.
I have become willing to see that I had deliberately chosen to make myself this separate and alone and lonely woman and I didn’t care who I had to make guilty to achieve that goal. And I didn’t care how bad it made me feel when I was successful in my objective, as long as I could see myself as the maker.
Most importantly, I have become willing to let go of the idea that I want to be the author of reality. I am still removing blocks, and will do so until that tiny mad idea stands unshielded by my judgments and I will see it die its final death. I’m OK that this is done in small steps and I am not worried about it. I’ve learned to let go of guilt about this kind of thing. It turns out that guilt is the glue I made to assure my illusion stays in place so I am letting that go, too.