God is but Love, and therefore so am I.
(167) There is one life, and that I share with God.
God is but Love, and therefore so am I.
(168) Your grace is given me. I claim it now.
God is but Love, and therefore so am I.
One night I dreamed that an unlikely savior rescued me from some foolishness. It seemed terribly important and irreversible to me, but he just reached out his hand and with a gentle smile took me out of it. He acknowledged that I was afraid, but assured me it was ok. When I woke, I knew that the meaning of the dream was both that the illusion feels scary and real, but I can simply walk away from it, and also that I placed in my life teachers and helpers and the unlikeliest of my brothers is also my savior if I choose to take his hand.
Often lately I have noticed saviors where I used to see annoying people. What a joyful way to live!
Which Part of the Split Mind Will I Listen To?
What a strange life I am living right now. It is as if there are two of me inhabiting this body. In reality, there is a split mind in which this body exists, but how it feels is the other way around. I had such a wonderful workshop, and when I got back, I was still on a spiritual high and feeling the residual joy of having been a channel for the Holy Spirit.
While making coffee the following morning I had chest pains and wound up in the hospital for tests. While there, my dear friend of many years died, and the day I got out, my aunt, that I am very close to, also died. Then I went back to work and since I work outside a lot, I was very aware of the intense heat that has set in for the summer here in the south.
All of that was just things that happened in the dream, but how they affected me depended on which part of the split mind I listened to. I heard the ego say that life has gotten very scary and there is nothing I can do about it. It said these events prove that life is unpredictable and that I am a helpless victim of circumstance.
Listening to the ego-mind I began to notice every little pain and unusual feeling in the body and wonder what it meant. I began to worry about what I would do if I missed a lot of work, or had a lot of medical bills to pay. What if I couldn’t work this one more year and so couldn’t get my house paid for as planned? What if other people I love die? I began to become weepy during the day and was tired and depressed by the end of the day.
On the other hand, I was very aware of the thoughts in my mind, and I often stopped listening to them and turned to the right mind for an interpretation of what was going on and what everything meant. I felt detached from all the ego drama that Myron was experiencing. So, as Myron, I was sad and fearful, while at the same time, I was watching this happen. Like I said, weirdly divided. Well, actually, we are always weirdly divided, but this time I was acutely aware of the division.
Turning from the dark thoughts and choosing to listen to the Holy Spirit as often as possible, slowly turned things around. I began to live in the light more than the darkness, and so was often peaceful even in the midst of the conflicted thoughts. But the conflict took its toll and by the evening I tended to still be depressed. Not all the time, but usually. Then last night I reached a turning point.
I had a relaxed day, writing with the Holy Spirit, and then taking a morning walk before it got too hot. Speaking with students always uplifts me, so I felt happier and more peaceful as the day went on. And just to prove my abundance overflows, I took my granddaughter shopping and bought her a gift, just for the fun of it. She is such a delight to be with. When I returned home, I relaxed watching a few of my favorite shows on Netflix. It was a perfectly lovely day.
As I began to get ready for bed, the ego-mind kicked in. I started feeling like I wasted a lot of time watching TV. I felt guilty about that. I began to worry I would not remember all the instructions for getting ready for the stress test on Monday, and then the realization that the whole “chest pain” incident was not over caused more anxiety and soon I was starting to feel depressed again. But this time, rather than simply rolling over for the ego, I questioned those thoughts.
I turned away from the ego thinking and allowed my mind to be soothed and my thinking to be corrected. I let the truth flow into my awareness, and that is where I placed my attention. I was, in that moment, able to see that how I felt was a choice. I didn’t have to believe the ego thoughts. I didn’t have to be tired and depressed. I could always choose to trust God and to trust His Will, and when I do that, I am uplifted and peaceful.
In those moments of choice, I was able to see how profoundly split the mind really is, and I was able to see that it was up to me which side of the split I come down on. I became acutely aware that I cannot be a victim of the world I see because I am the maker of that world. Whose dream is this, anyway?
I saw that even in this, the making of the dream, I am not a victim. I choose which interpretation of the dream I want to believe. In doing so, I choose anxiety and depression or I choose peace and joy. The shift from anxiety to peace was simple and quick once I made a final decision for God. I fell into a restful sleep. When I woke, the ego tried to pull me back into the story, but the ego has no power to affect me except as I want to be affected by it. I choose God instead.
Rules for Decision Helps
This is so funny. I have been going through this whole drama at work, experiencing fear and uncertainty, projecting it, and seeing others as guilty. Just like with the situation last year, I have been acutely aware of the split mind. When I am worried and upset it feels like every ego thought is true. But I know that can’t be right. This year I am using the Rules for Decision to help me choose the Holy Spirit as my guide. This morning I woke up very early and I lay there letting the ego-mind run rampant for a bit. Then I felt a strong desire to be through with this. I want the peace of God. In fact, the peace of God is everything I want.
I began to go through the corrective steps that Jesus gives us in the Rules for Decision. I would start and then I would become attracted to the scary ego thoughts and then I would remember my purpose here and go back to the correction. It was a real struggle at first, but I really do want peace. I want to see the characters in my story as doing the best that they can, just like I am. The more I fight them the more fearful life becomes. I want to be happy again, not conflicted. I want to stop going to the ego for advice that just makes everything worse. So, I stuck with the correction.
I cleared my mind by saying that I had no question. I forgot what to decide. I then admitted that I don’t like how I feel and so I hope I have been wrong. I put aside for the moment all ego objections and realized that I do want another way to see and that maybe there is another way and what could it hurt to ask. I felt like I could take a deep relaxing breath for the first time in a while. I was not “cured” of my distress immediately. But I knew that I had asked and so I would be answered, and so I was calmed by that certainty.
Then I read last year’s entry in my journal. I was just back from my Portland Workshop, and in a couple of weeks, I will be leaving for another Portland Workshop. I was going through a stressful time last year and had just come out of it. I see that even though I didn’t use the Rules for Decision specifically, I used the ideas that are in those rules. It was like I was being blessed by my own words and experience. I was being comforted and reassured this morning that there is light behind the dark clouds in my mind and the proof is right here in my own words.
Sure, I hate these forays into ego that occur once in a while. They are very distressing. Each time I am astounded that I can still believe in my own dark thoughts like that. On the other hand, I am deeply grateful for these opportunities. All that darkness must come into the light so it can be dissipated. The wrong-minded thoughts must be looked at with the Holy Spirit so He can correct them. Each time it happens, we all are brought closer to our awakening.
My Practice is Paying Off
I still have moments when I am tempted to believe my dark thoughts, and my children can still trigger me, but I absolutely understand they are never the problem, no matter how it seems. They may trigger something in me, but that thing was not caused by them. It was already there. They just highlighted it for me.
That applies to anything that gets triggered, without exception, and no matter who does the triggering. It is just something to be seen and decided against. It is all going faster and easier now. This first half of the year has been a proving ground for me, and though it wasn’t fun, I am grateful for the outcome.
PS: Another year has passed and, yes, I still have ego thoughts and once in a great while, I believe them for a bit. But now, life is mostly smooth sailing. I have discovered, however, that I must still be vigilant. If I get careless and let my thoughts go unquestioned, the ego slips in. If I fall for it, it doesn’t take long for me to turn it around. Truly, all that practice paid off and was worth every moment of effort.