V. A. To Have, Give All to All, P 6
6 This is a very preliminary step, and the only one you must take for yourself. It is not even necessary that you complete the step yourself, but it is necessary that you turn in that direction. Having chosen to go that way, you place yourself in charge of the journey, where you and only you must remain. This step may appear to exacerbate conflict rather than resolve it, because it is the beginning step in reversing your perception and turning it right-side up. This conflicts with the upside-down perception you have not yet abandoned, or the change in direction would not have been necessary. Some remain at this step for a long time, experiencing very acute conflict. At this point they may try to accept the conflict, rather than take the next step towards its resolution. Having taken the first step, however, they will be helped. Once they have chosen what they cannot complete alone, they are no longer alone.
Jesus says that what he is telling us is going to conflict with the upside- down perception we have not yet abandoned. So I am looking at what it is I think now. My thinking is no longer completely upside down, but even the thinking that I have abandoned for the most part, shows up in certain circumstances.
Upside-down thinking: I am a body and the body is real. The body and many things in the world determine my destiny and affect my everyday life in ways I cannot control. I am alone in the world, and even when I try to join with others there is an element of fear and uncertainty because of the inevitable competition that arises when one believes they are separate. There is only so much love, and so much things and I have to get mine regardless of what is left for others.
The thinking toward which I am being led: The body and the world are an illusion, the effects of wrong-minded thinking. I am neither a body nor am I in a body. The body is in my mind and it is a communication devise that I use. It is not me. I am one with all there is and one with God. I am powerful beyond measure and perfect in every way.
I am part of God and in God and therefore eternal and safe. There is no loss nor lack and therefore no need for competition. No matter how much I give, I can never be without. There is no separation, my brother and I are one with each other and therefore I can only give to myself. I can know these things are true only as I give all to all.
In other words, I know who I am by stepping into who I am.
That’s about it in a nutshell. It is easy to see that while I hold onto any vestige of my upside-down thinking, the truth is going to seem like nonsense. And that is at best, because it is also going to seem threatening. When I felt like there was only a very limited amount of anything, I clung to what I had and sharing felt like a sacrifice. The idea of giving all to all was just crazy.
When I look back on my overly long journey through this Course, I am amazed that I ever made it this far. I was so afraid of everything and guilt was my constant belief. I was guilty in my mind for everything and the guilt I couldn’t bear, I projected onto others. No one was safe from my attacks. I was that afraid.
However, in spite of my fear and guilt, I turned in that direction. I turned and stayed turned. For a long time, that was all I could do. But I was not alone and my Help was constant and strong, and eventually, I become more consistent and stronger. I am not through yet. I still believe in me a bit.
Eventually that “me” will fall away. I don’t know when and it is not my job to do anything about that. I am in charge of my journey in that every step of the way is a choice I make, but I am not generally aware of the part of my mind that makes this decision. For now, my awareness is primarily focused on Myron and her story, and that is where I see the effects of my change of mind and so am motivated to continue my awakening, receiving help and guidance to do what I cannot do alone.