IV. Error and the Ego, P 2
2 Consciousness, the level of perception, was the first split introduced into the mind after the separation, making the mind a perceiver rather than a creator. Consciousness is correctly identified as the domain of the ego. The ego is a wrong-minded attempt to perceive yourself as you wish to be, rather than as you are. Yet you can know yourself only as you are, because that is all you can be sure of. Everything else is open to question.
“What am I?” is a good question, but only if I ask it of One Who knows. If I ask this question of the ego, I will not get a meaningful answer because the ego does not know. The ego is my attempt to be what I am not so how could it inform me of my true identity. All the therapy in the world will only take me in circles because I am asking the only thing in the Universe without the answer.
This is why we have to go outside the thinking mind to be healed. Through consciousness or the thinking mind, I can only perceive. I can see things a certain way. I can see them differently. But I can never see them truly. Through the thinking mind, I can never know. When I was a young adult it was very popular to leave what you knew in an attempt to “find yourself.” I wonder if that was an expression of the beginning of a general awakening.
I am beginning to find myself, and while I understand the desire to leave behind distractions and focus on that one thing, I also understand that it is not necessary to do so. Maybe it can even be counter-productive. It is in looking closely at what I project that I discover what I am to heal. Right here in the middle of this messy life I live is the best place to do this. If I went away to find myself, I guess I would, because I would just project more of the mess, and I could look at it there.
Finding myself is really what it is all about and it is what I am doing. I am in here someplace under all the false thinking. I am hiding out in this story of Myron, disguised by a body and masked as a personality. I am running around madly pretending to be in pain, to suffer and then, just to prove my point, to die. Even the best parts of the story, the most touching, the most exciting and fun parts, are tinged with fear and sorrow because I know they will not last.
I guess this experiment in being what I am not began as an interesting and fun adventure sometime eons ago, but I feel the draw to awaken from this dream. So I am looking for myself. (This makes me laugh when I think about it.) I look at the projection to see what needs to be excavated to get to the bottom of things. I accept responsibility for the projection, decide for something else, ask for healing and then accept the healing. Eventually, I will get to my Self.
An example from my daily life: I decided it is time to look at this issue of food and see it healed finally. Having fought the battle of the bulge all my adult life, I am tired of it. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be free. I want to be free of the false thinking that keeps me at war with myself and the world as I see it. I want to be free of the disguise of one who is victim of an unacceptable body. Surely, as the Son of God, this cannot be what I am.
I started out looking for my skinny self through the ego and of course this just led me in circles. I talked to therapists, read books, followed diet gurus, took magical formulas guaranteed or your money back to give me back the body of my youth. (The body that I didn’t appreciate when I had it because it was never good enough, and could never be good enough.) Even when I found success I couldn’t sustain it, and I just wound up feeling like a failure and feeling guilty.
Now I feel like I am ready to actually make a change. I have experienced enough mind healing to know that I could not find freedom because I was not looking for freedom. I couldn’t find myself because I was not looking for my Self. I could not find anything real or true because I was asking that which had no answers, only more questions.
What I am doing now is asking that my mind be healed of all wrong minded thoughts about food, size, the body and its health. I want to end the war with my body and food. I understand that what I do to make this body appear different is not what is really affecting it. Those pills, that food, all of it is just a projection of a thought from my mind. The body itself is a projection. So I am only projecting a thought onto a thought. It is too funny for words, really, all this effort to control a thought form by moving it more or adjusting its intake of food or giving it magic pills. It’s just a thought form. Changing it requires a change in thought.
It has been a very interesting experience so far. I am absolutely amazed at how resistant my mind is to accept a new way of thinking about the body and food. I look at food and automatically I think in terms of calories and carbs and how damaging this will be to my plan for a thin body. I have to remind myself a thousand times a day that there is a new sheriff in town and she is no longer policing these things.
While that gets frustrating after awhile, and very tiring, it is also a good thing. I have many, many opportunities during the day to remember to ask for healing. I want to use this body issue to bring me closer to true perception. I want to use it to fully surrender my imagined separate will and to accept that God’s Will is my will. I want to use these many opportunities, not to rearrange my thought form of a body, making it thinner for example, but I want to use the opportunities to remember I am not this body.
This is an example of how I am using the world I made to discover my true Self. I look at my projections and realize they cannot be truth. Then I ask for another way to see them and accept the healing offered me. It sounds simple and easy when I write it down, but doing it is kind of messy and there is a lot of wavering, going back to the way it was and then remembering I want something new. My experience has been that eventually I make a final choice and it is for God. Then I wonder why I made it so hard.
And when this is done and I am at peace with the body and food, I don’t have to go anywhere to find another project to help me see differently. My world, wherever I am, is filled with my projections and they will show me what needs to be healed. Eventually, I will generalize the lessons I am learning and all the other millions of forms wrong minded thinking takes will just fall away because in knowing the truth about the ones I took to the Holy Spirit, I will know the truth about them all.