ACIM Chapter 9. VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity. P 1, 2

ACIM Chapter 9. VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity. P 1, 2

VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity

1 Grandeur is of God, and only of Him. Therefore it is in you. Whenever you become aware of it, however dimly, you abandon the ego automatically, because in the presence of the grandeur of God the meaninglessness of the ego becomes perfectly apparent. When this occurs, even though it does not understand it, the ego believes that its “enemy” has struck, and attempts to offer gifts to induce you to return to its “protection.” Self-inflation is the only offering it can make. The grandiosity of the ego is its alternative to the grandeur of God. Which will you choose?

I have slipped in and out of grandeur, sometimes the “however dimly” type, and occasionally, something closer to reality.  I notice each time that it is the ego mind offering me its dubious gifts that draw my attention back to the illusion. I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting this, even the subtle call of the dream. I often remind myself of what is happening, even as it is happening. I say to myself, “This is the ego trying to entice me back into the dream.” Sometimes, that snaps me out of it, and sometimes, it is an opportunity to ask for help with it.

I have a card that I am carrying with me today.

It has three statements of truth on it. I carry this with me today to reinforce this truth. I will look at it periodically, especially if I notice myself choosing ego. It says:

Spirit am I, a holy son of God, free of all limits, safe and healed and whole, free to forgive, and free to save the world.

God Himself is incomplete without me.

My mind is part of God’s. I am very holy.

Since I wrote that card out and contemplated the power of those words, the ego has been working overtime to get my attention. As I was getting ready for work, I became aware of the ego chatter that still goes on in my mind, especially at times like this. That chatter is the ego attempt to pull me away from the truth of my being and back to the ego idea of life.

Here is something I wrote about when I was still working.

I was thinking of work, and I was having this imaginary conversation with my boss, defending my image as an outstanding salesperson. The ego likes this one because it has actual proof that this is true and because I used to care so much about this. Because I have lost interest in seeing myself as a good salesperson, I soon grow bored with this inner conversation, and that’s when I notice that this is the ego offering me grandiosity in place of the grandeur of the words in the statement of truth on my card.

As soon as I stop listening to how great my salesperson image is, the ego tries its scare tactics. If I stop caring about sales, I will suffer for it. I will lose customers and wind up getting fired before I am ready to retire. And anyway, who would I be without my salesperson image? And that’s when it offers me another grandiose image: you would be an awesome minister and course teacher. You would write books everyone would want to read. People would be lining up to become your students.

Well, I am exaggerating because if it were that blatant, I would just laugh.

But though it is subtler, that is the image the ego offers. It would make of my ministry just another way to be separate and attack my brothers. It says that it will be worth my soul to be seen as grand. There was a time when I believed everything the ego promised and every threat it made. There was a time when I lived for the achievements regardless of the cost to my brothers, no matter who I had to attack to get that win. And I suffered equally when I failed, as I inevitably would since an achievement made at the expense of another is no achievement.

What is helpful is that I now recognize the ego chatter about my image and how I must defend it for what it is. I might get briefly interested in what it says, but I always change my mind. Even its fear tactics are not enough to pull me away from my purpose, at least not for long. I have seen the light, as they say. And in that light, I know that it is easy to distinguish the difference between grandiosity and grandeur.  I am willing to know the truth and accept it. I am going to remind myself often today of what I am. And I am going to be vigilant for the ego chatter that offers me something else, and I am going to forgive it and let it go.

VIII. Grandeur versus Grandiosity, P 2

2 Grandiosity is always a cover for despair. It is without hope because it is not real. It is an attempt to counteract your littleness, based on the belief that the littleness is real. Without this belief grandiosity is meaningless, and you could not possibly want it. The essence of grandiosity is competitiveness, because it always involves attack. It is a delusional attempt to outdo, but not to undo. We said before that the ego vacillates between suspiciousness and viciousness. It remains suspicious as long as you despair of yourself. It shifts to viciousness when you decide not to tolerate self-abasement and seek relief. Then it offers you the illusion of attack as a “solution.”

I have really been reviewing some of my uses for grandiosity. Memories of past behaviors and present-day attempts to counteract my littleness just pop up in my awareness, and I see what Jesus is talking about here. “Thank you, Brother, for this help.” Here is a memory that was perfect for understanding what happens with the grandiosity and why it happens. I truly saw that it was a cover for despair, despair that I was lost and didn’t know how to be found.

The memory was from many years ago, long before A Course in Miracles.

I used to study astrology through the courses offered by the Rosicrucians. I was good at the study part but only so-so at discerning the deeper meanings. But it kept me busy, and I enjoyed it. I was showing my sister-in-law a chart I had made and explaining what each placement indicated.

There was something in the chart I was having trouble interpreting, and she said something very perceptive. I distinctly remember feeling attacked. How could she know more than me when she had never studied and when this was her first look at astrology? I brushed her off and closed the book. The image that I had made for myself as “the one who knows” was threatened by her desire to join with me in this pursuit.

Immediately, I felt ashamed. and for a long time after, I felt that shame acutely whenever I thought about it. I also came to regret the opportunity lost to share this study with her. Later, through doing the Lessons and studying the Course, I understood why I reacted the way I did, and I forgave myself. Now, when I think of that time, I see it as a valuable learning opportunity. Today, I see it as a good example of grandiosity and a way to understand this paragraph.

Things began to change after I found the Course.

I would still have moments of grandiosity. But as I noticed them, I also realized why I felt that way, what I was trying to cover up. And I knew that the littleness I was afraid of was an illusion. I was able to allow healing so much faster. Generally, it didn’t reach the level of an outward expression of grandiosity. For instance, if that incident with my sister-in-law had happened now, I would have very quickly turned it around and asked her to tell me more. I would probably even tell her how impressed I am with her.

Another time I saw grandiosity in myself was after giving a good talk. My adrenaline would be going, and I would feel so successful that I had done a good job and people liked what I said. Often, afterward, I would say something that I would later regret because it came from the excited ego.

This doesn’t happen anymore because I have become clear that the only thing I can say that matters comes not from me but through me. I ask what I am to say. Frequently I remember to check in to be sure I am being an open channel and not adding from my ego. I might still feel the physical effect of adrenaline in the body, and I often feel joy that occurs from that close connection with Spirit. But the ego part is not there, and that is such a relief.

When the ego is running the show, I am in grandiosity rather than grandeur.

I might do just fine during the talk because I always put Spirit in charge of that, but it is afterward, when someone says how much they enjoyed it and how much it helped them, that the ego tries to slip in and take credit for it. That is not a pleasant feeling, and the results are often disappointing as well.

When I allow only Spirit to be in charge, I don’t care about how it is accepted. I am there only to be truly helpful, and I trust that I have been. Even if someone were to dispute what I said, it would only mean that it was helpful in a way neither that person nor I could discern at this time. What anyone thinks, good or bad, is none of my business. When I know this, there is no desire to defend anything. What happens then is that whatever is said to me, I see it as love, regardless of the words.

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