ACIM III. Love Without Conflict, P 5, 6. There is a kind of experience so different from anything the ego can offer that you will never want to cover or hide it again.
ACIM Chapter 4, III. Love Without Conflict, P 5, 6
III. Love Without Conflict, P 5
5 There is a kind of experience so different from anything the ego can offer that you will never want to cover or hide it again. It is necessary to repeat that your belief in darkness and hiding is why the light cannot enter. The Bible gives many references to the immeasurable gifts which are for you, but for which you must ask. This is not a condition as the ego sets conditions. It is the glorious condition of what you are.
I questioned the darkness, and my little willingness to see through it cracked it open, and light was coming in. Once light was shown through the shadowy darkness, I saw how insubstantial the darkness was, and I longed for more light. So, what kept me from throwing the doors wide open and allowing light to flood my mind?
Truly, I don’t know. I crept around in the darkness with what little light I would allow myself, peeking cautiously into dark corners, asking for the gift of clarity for this one little area, and then another. Never once have I regretted uncovering the deception that lies in the darkness, and never once has my discovery caused me pain or suffering. But the ego still insisted that I was being asked to sacrifice my own will for the will of a vengeful and jealous God, and insanely I stood there cautious and uncertain, wondering if it could be true this time.
Slow But Sure
My progress was slow, but it was steady and certain. And finally, there was no chance I would creep back under the covers and hide my head. I wanted to wake up! It felt like it was time, and I was ready. So I swallowed my disappointment in my reluctance to throw wide the doors and welcome Christ with open arms. I continued the slow, methodical search for dark thoughts and kept nothing from Jesus.
Usually, that was a pretty straightforward job. I noticed a judgmental thought about someone, and I realized that thought, that bit of darkness, must be brought to the light. My happiness depended on it. Behind that dark thought are the gifts of God. But I could not get to them while I clung to my judgment. Light will not penetrate my desire to hide from it. I’ve done this often enough to look forward to the moment of enlightenment as I allow the thought to be undone in my mind.
I finally realized that bringing the judgmental thoughts to the light is helping me wake up. However, as I continue to do this, I am just poking around in the dark, choosing the judgments I am ready to expose to the light. This is why it feels like an endless process. I have been invited to skip to the end. To just pull aside the veil and welcome in the glorious light. Would I like to give up the very idea of judgment? With that gift, all judgmental thoughts will go at once, replaced with peace, joy, and love.
Why Do I Defend Judgment?
The thought makes my heart sing, and I think, surely, I am ready now! How many of these useless thoughts will I uncover before I am ready to laugh away the whole idea of judgment? What has it ever gotten me? Why do I protect it as if judging were my last hope of salvation? It is not!
The thought that I might expose the very idea of judgment to the Light swells me with anticipation. But then I notice that little reluctance hiding in my desire for light. It is not even a thought, just a feeling of pulling back. What? Am I crazy? Apparently so. Some insane part of me thinks there may yet be a use for judgment.
I swear I don’t know why I fight for the right to judge. But of course, I do know. I just don’t want to look that closely. I would give the thought to the Holy Spirit. But I would be clutching it so tightly, He could not take it from me. It is like we were fighting over it, a spiritual tug of war, but I was only fighting with myself. I give it up. No, I can’t. Yes, I give it up. Then I pull it close, clutching it feverishly to myself. Stop it, Myron! Just stop it. Conflict is exhausting. I took a two-hour nap yesterday just to recover enough strength to go to sleep. I am absolutely ridiculous.
I Will Not Indulge the Ego
It would make me sad if it were not so funny. I will not indulge the ego with fear of failure. I already fell for its story of struggle. Now that I see it so clearly, I laugh at myself and I surrender. “Holy Spirit, I surrender my dark thought to you. I don’t know what to do with it. Clearly, I cannot make myself think differently, but I want a clear mind. I offer you the darkness alongside my sincere desire and trust you know what to do with it. I want to let go of the belief I have any use for judgment. Please strengthen my resolve. Thank You, God. I love You, God.”
PS: Less than a year later, I can say that this tug-of-war is pretty much over. I still feel the pull of judgment. But I am unconvinced that I want the “right” to judge. This would be the right to be miserable and feel separate from my God. I see the thought of judgment, and I reject it. This is my opportunity to master my choice. This is all that is happening, and I have no fear of the recurring judgment thoughts. They are simply meaningless.
6 III. Love Without Conflict, P 6
6 No force except your own will is strong enough or worthy enough to guide you. In this you are as free as God, and must remain so forever. Let us ask the Father in my name to keep you mindful of His Love for you and yours for Him. He has never failed to answer this request, because it asks only for what He has already willed. Those who call truly are always answered. Thou shalt have no other gods before Him because there are none.
Clearly, when Jesus talks about the force of my own will, he does not speak of the ego will but the will that made the ego. This self must be willing to be healed before healing will occur. God will not coerce us into accepting His Love. We must decide on healing and thus ask for healing before we can be healed. I do this when I am vigilant for the thoughts that oppose the Will of God, become willing to release them, and so accept the Atonement.
Joining with Jesus
I like the second line of this paragraph. It suggests that I ask God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to keep me mindful of His love for me and my love for Him. In other places in the Course, we are told to pray in Jesus’ name. I often forget this to tell the truth, but I like the idea that I am joining my will with his. When two join for the same purpose, the intent is magnified. And when I join my will with the will of Jesus, I am expressing the desire to join my true will with one who has only truth in his mind. This has got to be a good idea.
Jesus also refers to true prayer in this paragraph. He says we should pray that we remember God’s Love, that He loves us, and that we love Him. Often, in intent, if not actual words, I pray for something that I think will replace His Love. I pray for a better body, more money, a relationship. My hope is to be liked and accepted, and that my kids will be safe, and many other idols.
I don’t say these words in the form of a prayer anymore. I understand on one level that this is not necessary, that all my needs are met in God’s Love. But every thought is prayer, and my longing is a thought. I put my pants on and can barely snap them. I am disappointed and concerned and want them to fit well. This is a prayer, and it is a prayer for an idol. It teaches me that I could be happy if only my pants fit nicely and I would stop gaining weight.
The Source of My Happiness
Instead, I notice this thought and remember that a thinner body is not the source of my happiness, regardless of my present reasoning. I ask that my mind be healed of this belief, and I accept the Atonement for myself in this situation. Another way to say this is that I see I am praying for the wrong thing. I pray only that I will be aware of my love for God and His love for me. Because this is the only thing that will ever make me happy. So, I join my will to Jesus’s will in this true prayer.
I am happy to give up the god of thin bodies, the god of finances, and all the other false gods. I have been praying to them all my life. And even when my prayers seem to be answered, the answers have never satisfied. In truth, there are no other gods, and I am just praying to illusions. There is only one meaningful prayer: to remember God’s Love. In His Love, all things are met.
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