ACIM Chapter 4, II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 3, 4. Your own state of mind is a good example of how the ego was made.
ACIM Chapter 4, II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 3, 4
II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 3
3 Your own state of mind is a good example of how the ego was made. When you threw knowledge away it is as if you never had it. This is so apparent that one need only recognize it to see that it does happen. If this occurs in the present, why is it surprising that it occurred in the past? Surprise is a reasonable response to the unfamiliar, though hardly to something that occurs with such persistence. But do not forget that the mind need not work that way, even though it does work that way now.
I asked Jesus for an example of how I threw knowledge away, and it was as if I never had it. I wanted an example that was recent and very clear to me so I could be sure I understood this passage. A memory of the day I said I was tired of the food game where I pretended I gained weight because I ate the wrong thing was what came to me. I said I was ready to know the truth once and for all. I had a moment of brilliant clarity, and I knew the truth. It was so clear I could not imagine that I was ever confused, and I could not imagine ever being fooled again.
Where Did the Clarity Go?
Within a couple of days, fear and guilt arose in my mind around this issue, and my clarity was gone. I was confused as I ever was and had to start over. Where did the clarity go? It felt like I had forgotten, but how could I forget something that was so crystal clear? In two days? How could that be? Am I a victim of my own mind? Is it so slippery that I cannot hold onto something so real, so lucid?
Indeed, that is the ego’s explanation. I forgot. I cannot do this. It disappeared all on its own. It’s not my fault. It’s hopeless. But that is not the truth. The truth is that I very deliberately threw it away. This lucidity was not what I really wanted. I wanted it for that moment I asked for it, but then I changed my mind and threw it away. Easily done when you realize how much practice I have had. This is exactly what I have done since the beginning of time . . . literally. After I threw it away, I used fear and guilt (handily made by my mind for this purpose) to demoralize and discourage a return to truth.
The Way the Mind Works
This is the way my mind works. I decide on a thing, and it is mine. I decide against it, and it is as if it never existed. My mind is wiped clean of that belief, and its effects go with it because cause and effect are never separate. This is the only way I could possibly keep the dream going. Our saving grace, the reason I can and will wake from the dream, is that while that is how my mind works to keep the dream alive, it does not have to work this way. Jesus is taking us by the hand, and gently, paragraph by paragraph, helping us to see differently, easing us out of our self-imposed confusion.
II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 4
4 Think of the love of animals for their offspring, and the need they feel to protect them. That is because they regard them as part of themselves. No one dismisses something he considers part of himself. You react to your ego much as God does to His creations,-with love, protection and charity. Your reactions to the self you made are not surprising. In fact, they resemble in many ways how you will one day react to your real creations, which are as timeless as you are. The question is not how you respond to the ego, but what you believe you are. Belief is an ego function, and as long as your origin is open to belief you are regarding it from an ego viewpoint. When teaching is no longer necessary you will merely know God. Belief that there is another way of perceiving is the loftiest idea of which ego thinking is capable. That is because it contains a hint of recognition that the ego is not the Self.
The Ego As Part of Me
I think that the ego is part of me, just another facet of myself, which is why I am so reluctant to let it go. As long as I regard the ego as a part of me, I will love and defend it. This explains why it is so difficult for me to see it as not real. Loving and defending the ego is a hard job, though, because it is so unlovable and is in need of constant defense. Looking at the ego in this way keeps me in conflict, which is a very painful way to live. I am conflicted as I ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind of ego beliefs, and at the same time, I defend my ego against this healing.
Jesus said he would substitute for my ego and that I could entrust my ego and my body to him. When I do this, I am so at peace and so happy! But I notice that in spite of the joy this gives me, I return to listening to the ego instead. I do this over and over during the day. Jesus has told me that he teaches through contrast. And, oh my goodness, but this is very apparent as I see the difference between listening to the Holy Spirit as opposed to listening to the ego. I listen to the Holy Spirit as he interprets my world, and I am peaceful and happy. I listen to the ego as it interprets the world, and I am suspicious and defensive. Why on earth would I continue to choose the ego as my guide?
Insanity
Jesus says I do this because I think of the ego as part of me, so I am protective of it. This will continue as long as I think that what I am is open to belief. He says that I am created by God as part of God, and this cannot be altered. I believe I did alter myself when I made the ego to take the place of God’s creation. I think that believing this to be true makes it true. Clearly, this is insane.
I know a little about insanity. I used to be married to a man who qualified. His ego was a paranoid schizophrenic. He heard voices no one else heard. His voices were as real to him as any voice you and I hear during the day. He was constantly defending his ego from everyone who wanted to give him medicine to make it go away. I saw him as suspicious to the point of paranoia. He saw himself as attacked on all sides. He believed in his “self” and so thought it was real.
It was clear that he was mistaken about who he thought he was and that his belief in this confused self did not make it real. I knew that if he just gave in and took the medicine, he would see what he believed was wrong. He would then know what I knew, that believing in his voices did not make them real. I wonder if Jesus sees me in the same way I saw Charlie.
The Voice in My Head
I hear a voice in my head, too. It is the ego that is just as made-up as are the voices Charlie heard. I believe in my voice, too, because it seems so real to me. I think that because I believe in the self I made, that is enough to make it real. There is not so much difference between Charlie and me as I used to think there was. I defend my made-up self just as fiercely as he did his, and my defense does not make my ego self real any more than defending his ego self made it real to him.
Jesus will substitute for that ego voice in my head if I allow him to do so. I only need to stop defending against his help. Charlie could have made the voices go away with medicine if only he had questioned his belief in them enough to allow himself to take the pills. I can stop listening to that voice in my head if I question its reality enough to accept the Holy Spirit’s “medicine.” There is an alternative Voice in my mind that will heal the confusion I live with all the time. It will return me to sanity and to Reality.