ACIM Chapter 13. VI. Finding the Present, P 6, 7

ACIM Chapter 13. VI. Finding the Present, P 6, 7

VI. Finding the Present, P 6

6 Judgment and condemnation are behind you, and unless you bring them with you, you will see that you are free of them. Look lovingly upon the present, for it holds the only things that are forever true. All healing lies within it because its continuity is real. It extends to all aspects of the Sonship at the same time, and thus enables them to reach each other. The present is before time was, and will be when time is no more. In it are all things that are eternal, and they are one. Their continuity is timeless and their communication is unbroken, for they are not separated by the past. Only the past can separate, and it is nowhere.

And in this one paragraph, I see why it is that those awakened seem so obsessed with this idea of living in the present, of being in the now moment. In this perfect moment, there is nothing to intrude upon my holiness. All fear, guilt, and dread are remnants of the past that I must literally force upon the present, thus assuring that the ego remains intact and the future is exactly like the past.

What if I gave up this obsession with the past?

What if I simply forgive it and let it disappear? One time, I left my little son with a friend and drove off to the store. I looked out my rearview mirror, and he was chasing the car, his little legs just pumping away. I had not told him I was leaving and would be back, and he was in a panic.

I felt like I had done something very bad, and it was proof that I was the worst mom. At that time of my life, I believed all my thoughts. So, I did what we do here with overwhelming guilt. I projected it, and I decided in an instant that it was his fault. So I stopped for him and put him in the car, but I did it in anger. I told myself that I was angry with him for being unreasonable, but of course, I was angry with myself.

I didn’t know any better.

I was young and ignorant and living fully in my ego. But even today, when I think of it, I can cry. I want so much to go back and hold that innocent, frightened child and assure him he is safe. And it is this terrible guilt that I carry forward from the past that keeps the ego in place and prevents me from finding the present.

After I found the Course, I began to understand projection and guilt. I began to forgive myself. I have thought many times that I forgave myself for this “sin,” too, but it keeps popping up again and bringing me to tears. It wasn’t my only mistake by any means, but it is like a symbol of all the rest. And so here it is again, that memory.

It is like a heavy anchor tied to me and tied to it are numerous smaller but equally ugly objects that trail along behind it. And every time I look at that awful memory, my eyes fall upon all the other mistakes, and I am weighed down by my sins. How do I ever gain my freedom when I refuse to let the past be over? But now, in this moment that exists apart from all others before and after, my salvation lies.

I am free right now.

Free to let go of the thought of betraying my child and my sacred trust as a mother to that child. The only thing holding me to the pain of that memory is my desire to be punished by it. There is no point to that. The ego mind believes so completely in my guilt, and that guilt deserves punishment. So it encourages, no, it insists that I must continue to feel guilty, and it is the least I can do considering the awfulness of my sin.

But has the ego ever said a true thing? It has certainly never acknowledged my holiness or my inheritance as a Son of God. It has never offered me freedom and release. Jesus says that I can be free now, in this moment, never to pick up this guilt again. He says that it is not only acceptable to do this, but it is necessary. It has always seemed impossible to me before, but lately, I have noticed that I can simply choose to be free of a thought, and it is gone.

I choose this now. I choose to be free of the past and have asked for all the support I can get from Jesus. I have asked for complete healing of this obsession with guilt. He whispers into my heart that I am worthy and deserving of God’s love. He says he needs me to help him awaken our brothers and sisters, and so he needs me to leave the past behind.

I want this very much.

And so now I am returning to the past one more time. I will hold that innocent young woman I was and tell her it is ok, that she is safe and so is her son. Then I will leave the past to a quiet and peaceful ending.

My son, I love you.

I’m sorry that I left you feeling abandoned and betrayed and for all the other mistakes I made as your mother.

Please forgive me for my ignorance. Please forgive me for holding onto the false thought that my mistakes have made you into something you are not. Please forgive me for not letting go of this belief. I am going to do it now.

Thank you.

My young, innocent self, I love you.

I’m sorry that I left you abandoned and betrayed in my belief that you were guilty.

Please forgive me for holding your innocence hostage to past errors that I failed to forgive. I forgive it all now.

Thank you.

VI. Finding the Present, P 7

7 The present offers you your brothers in the light that would unite you with them, and free you from the past. Would you, then, hold the past against them? For if you do, you are choosing to remain in the darkness that is not there, and refusing to accept the light that is offered you. For the light of perfect vision is freely given as it is freely received, and can be accepted only without limit. In this one, still dimension of time that does not change, and where there is no sight of what you were, you look at Christ and call His witnesses to shine on you because you called them forth. And they will not deny the truth in you, because you looked for it in them and found it there.

So evidently, I am free of the past, but only as I free my brother of the past. As long as I hold him hostage to his past (or at least my version of his past), I will not be free. There is no darkness, but I believe there is, and I condemn myself to it as I condemn my brother to it. The only way to know I have light is to accept it fully for everyone, everywhere. I cannot know light unless it is without limit.

Here is something from a previous journal.

The person that the Holy Spirit brought to my mind immediately as I read this paragraph is my co-worker, whom I still have not fully forgiven. By that, I mean that I see her as guilty, and thus, we both stand in the dark because there is no guilt in the light. I have said, nearly every day, that I forgive my projections onto her, and I tell myself it is done. But I still judge her, and I still find her guilty. All this means is that I want the light, but I don’t want to give up my judgments, and that can’t happen. So, I have condemned myself to the dark.

I know that the only thing that has happened is that I have asked the ego for help in knowing Donna, and so my ego knows her ego. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I know my ego as I see it in Donna. I look at Donna over there, and I see that it is me. I project onto her the unhealed and most disliked parts of myself. I watched her express them in her own way, and I thought that meant I was innocent and that she was guilty. Even though I know better, I still do this as if it is going to work this time.

This morning, Holy Spirit, I want to try something different.

I want to forgive myself. I stand here before You, fully exposed and in complete surrender. I see the desire to be accepted and seen as better than. I see the desire to compete and to win. I see the fear that I won’t be seen as capable and valuable. I see the fear that I will say and do things that others will judge, that they will laugh at me or, worse, feel sorry for me. I withdraw these judgments from my innocent sister and own them. Now, I ask that You heal my mind.

Here is something interesting. From the moment I had the thought that I needed to work on this issue with Donna, my head started hurting really bad. I wondered why I suddenly had this headache but didn’t connect it to what I was doing. Then, as I said that prayer to the Holy Spirit, the headache disappeared. I thought that I should stop for a moment and go into silence. As I did this, I felt pressure in my head like it was a balloon with too much air, but it wasn’t unpleasant. Then it subsided. Interesting.

I look forward to seeing Donna differently. I wonder what that will be like. So here it is: I look at Christ and call His witness (as Donna) to shine on me because I called her forth. And she will not deny the truth in me, because I looked for it in her and found it there.

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