Surrender means you know through every fiber of your being that there is no one living a life, there is Life flowing through the body mind personality, for as long as it lasts.
What I learned
Reading this has helped me really ¡§get¡¨ that I am not a body. I am not this body I have thought of as Myron. Life is living through this body. It is just a tool, something to use by me and is not, in any way, the body mind I thought of as Myron. It is hard for me to hold onto this important concept. I understand it intellectually but then it slips away from me. I feel like Myron. I feel weighed down by years and years of collected grievances and judgments, doubts and fears. I feel tired and ineffective by years and years of trying to control this life of Myron. I long to let go of it all and allow Life to live through me; to know that it means that: I live, yet not I, but Christ dwelleth as me.
I am also afraid to do this. Right now I am sick and know that this sickness is an attempt to remain in control. I know that not being able to succeed at little things I think I want and that should be easy to accomplish are just me trying to be in control. It looks like I have no control, but it takes real vigilance for the Son of God to masquerade as weak and helpless. I think for the first time I really understand eating disorders as control devices. One feels completely out of control of ones life and gains a feeling of control by simply not eating, and exercises ultimate control through death of the body. And yet, all the time one experiences the control as failure, a failure to achieve a body type even when one has done so. How insane we are when we live in the ego.
I keep doing this work because I know that I am supposed to succeed and that I can succeed at just getting out of the way and allowing Life to live me. I want to be empty. I want to allow the Love that is God to flow through me. The problem is I also want to be charge. I ask the Holy Spirit what I should do and when I don¡¦t like the answer, I make up my own. Even when I say that I want to be empty and allow myself to think what this means, that there would be no more Myron, that is no will apart from God, there is a spark of fear.
So I am conflicted. I am learning to overcome my resistance by looking at the symbols of the separation thought and choosing differently. For instance, I notice my feelings of lack, judgment, anger and other forms of fear, and ask the Holy Spirit how to see as He sees. It is a slow and sometimes painful process, but mostly it has become a delight as I live more happily and more peacefully. Eventually, there will be no more symbols of separation for me to look at.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.