Lesson 365
This holy instant would I give to You.
Be You in charge. For I would follow You,
Certain that Your direction gives me peace.
And if I need a word to help me, He will give it to me. If I need a thought, that will He also give. And if I need but stillness and a tranquil, open mind, these are the gifts I will receive of Him. He is in charge by my request. And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.
Journal
5 And He will hear and answer me, because He speaks for God my Father and His holy Son.
Right now, I am asking the Holy Spirit for some answers and I am asking that He be very clear in those answers. I don’t want to confuse the ego thinking with my guidance. I am asking Him what he wants me to know about healing. It is clearly time for me to take another step up that particular ladder.
The reason I know this is next on my path is that sickness has been happening to me in a variety of ways. This is most unusual for me. I seldom ever got sick and when I did it was quickly over. So to experience these manifestations in the body is not a coincidence. Also, I have been sharing courses on the Manual for Teachers and that section has a strong emphasis on healing. Then someone else asked me to do another course on Wellness Through Mind Healing. So, the classroom has been set up with the sickness and the tools have been given me to work in this classroom.
This emphasis on healing and the performance of miracles is specific to A
Course in Miracles and I don’t want to overlook any of it. I think we are to usher in the Real World by accepting the power that is ours as creations of a powerful God. Or so it seems to me. How odd that this would be placed in front of me, specifically. The personality of my character has never been one that felt powerful in any way. So, here is another opportunity to overcome an ego belief.
Regina’s Tips
We are here to let go of our self, which means we cannot rely on our self at all. Clear reasoning can see that as long as we rely on our self, we cannot let go of our self. This is the purpose of coming to know the inner teacher. It gives us something to follow other than the self-centered self.
Most people are not overtly familiar with the inner teacher, because there have been many times in our lives when we dismissed it in favor of our own thinking. Each time we chose our thoughts over intuition, intuition was repressed a little more. That means our thinking is very conscious while our spiritual intuition may be deeply buried beneath the ego. However, this process can be reversed.
By wanting to follow intuition more than thinking, by seeking intuition within and by following intuition when we recognize it, we invite intuition back into our conscious awareness.
My Thoughts
Over the years, I have learned to hear my Inner Guide and to depend on that guidance. I did that through keeping a journal in which I would do a lesson and then ask for clarity and write down what came to me. I did it by asking all during the day for guidance, at first in only some things and then in everything. I did it by trial and error. But I did it. Even so, I still fail to notice guidance sometimes and it can be confusing if the ego mind gets too involved, so that is why I shut down the ego as soon as I notice it.
Past Entry
Yesterday I went to visit my mom in the nursing home. She has advanced Alzheimer’s. I don’t go to see her very often because every time I do, I spend the whole visit crying, or trying desperately not to cry. Just thinking about her right now makes me want to cry. I was going to write about this last night and when I received a brilliant insight I would send it out to all of you. Only I didn’t receive an insight, brilliant or otherwise. I just sat and cried and felt confused, sad and fearful.
This morning I was asking the Holy Spirit to help me see this differently. I thought how easy it would be to just not go to the nursing home at all. When I am not faced with the reality of her condition I can think of her as she used to be. I can talk to her in my mind and in my mind she understands me, remembers who she is and who I am, and most importantly she can carry on a conversation with me.
Holy Spirit: Myron, thinking of not visiting your mother triggers guilt. Let me remind you that guilt is not helpful in any situation. You are not bad because you want this situation to go away. Let me also remind you that there is another way to see this. When you look at your mother and all your fears of aging and Alzheimer’s bubble up you feel the temptation to find a way to avoid them. However, you could remember your purpose and the purpose of all situations in your life. These fears are in your mind. Would you be willing to forgive them for yourself, and for the Sonship?
Myron, if you decide for healing I will be right there with you, loving you and comforting you. You have had some ideas and these ideas will be helpful to you. (I had the thought to set a weekly visit and stick to it just as I would an appointment with a student. I also had the thought to put a picture of her as she looks now in a prominent place so I would get used to the way she looks and maybe it would not be such a shock each time.)
Myron, if you decide differently, I will be right there with you, loving you and comforting you. My love is not conditional.
Me: I am willing to be unconditional in my love, too. I am going to choose healing. I am willing to love mom in this part of her story just like she has always loved me throughout my story, even the parts that were not so pretty. I am willing to forgive these thoughts in my mind and so forgive the thought for the Sonship.
Thank you, Holy Spirit. I still feel uneasy about this, but I also feel relieved.
2011
I cried again when I read this journaling from the past. I’m not sure why. I did go back and visit my mom with the Holy Spirit and I did reach a place of acceptance and love. I didn’t cry while I was with her or after. I felt happy to be with her. It wasn’t too long after that she left that body with its damaged brain, and passed over, or on, or whatever we choose to call it. Anyway, her body died. It was a measure of the healing I experienced that I was able to conduct her funeral.
Just because mom was no longer here doesn’t mean that all the work in our relationship was done. I would have moments of grief and many of those were connected to unforgiven thoughts. Most of those thoughts were guilt thoughts, memories of times I felt like I failed her as a daughter. All of them had to be looked at with the Holy Spirit and released to Him. There is no running from our work, not even through death.
One thing I have learned from the Course is that we live in the past, which is not really living at all since the past does not exist. I have been doing some work getting my office better organized. I came across a file in my cabinet that holds mementos from when my kids were young. Cards they made me, stories they wrote, and pictures they drew. One of them really surprised me.
As part of my birthday present one year my teenage daughter made me a little packet of coupons. They said things like: “I cook dinner. Any meal of your choice served to you.” All I had to do was give her the coupon one day when I didn’t have time to cook and she would step in. Very sweet.
Then I saw some more cards. There was one statement on each card. Here is what they said.
I love my mom because she’s patient.
I love my mom because she’s peaceful.
I love my mom because she’s unselfish.
I love my mom because she’s spiritual.
There were several more.
When I read these I cried. These were all the things I wanted to be when my kids were growing up, and believing that I wasn’t any of these for my kids, I carried the burden of guilt and failure. Now through this re-discovered gift from Susan, I realize that not only have I been carrying around the past like a heavy bag of stones weighing me down, but it was a past I re-wrote. In retrospect, ego helped me to judge everything I did and always found me wanting.
Susan had no idea when she created this birthday gift for me what it would mean to me all these years later. I gladly relinquish this past I made up. Holy Spirit, when I am tempted to listen to the ego judge me or anyone else, please tap me on the shoulder. I’m leaving Susan’s little bag of coupons on my desk so that I will never forget that I want only God’s judgment, which is that I am His holy Son, perfect and perfectly innocent.
2015
The relationship between my mom and me is completely healed now. There is not a shred of guilt left and without the guilt I feel all the love that was always there. I think of her often and am always enfolded in a sense of love and warmth and happiness. When mom left this lifetime, she left the story as well. We are just two very close friends who love each other deeply and will join in some other story one of these days.
This part of my knowing is still part of the illusion, but an illusion that is much more purified, closer to truth than the illusion of Myron and her mom and all their issues. It is such a relief to realize that we don’t drag these stories into the next realm with us. We take only the love when we leave this story.