No call to God can be unheard nor left
Unanswered. And of this I can be sure;
His answer is the one I really want.
You Who remember what I really am alone remember what I really want. You speak for God, and so You speak for me. And what You give me comes from God Himself. Your Voice, my Father, then is mine as well, and all I want is what You offer me, in just the form You choose that it be mine. Let me remember all I do not know, and let my voice be still, remembering. But let me not forget Your Love and care, keeping Your promise to Your Son in my awareness always. Let me not forget myself is nothing, but my Self is all.
- You Who remember what I really am alone remember what I really want.
I’m intrigued by this first sentence. I am reminded that I don’t remember these things. I don’t remember what I am and life has proven to me that I don’t remember what I really want. Even in asking to awaken, I was asking blindly, and really didn’t know what awakening was for. Honestly, I just wanted to feel better, to be happier, to feel safe and at peace. But I had no idea of anything past that. I still don’t have any idea of anything past my present experience. But the Holy Spirit does know and is gently guiding me one step at a time.
Another intriguing idea is in sentence four in which he says, “…and all I want is what You offer me, in just the form You choose that it be mine.” This is a sentence of surrender. (I don’t know what I need but I trust that it will come to me and the form it takes is perfect. I have seen this is true in my life. Situations that seemed perfectly awful in the midst of them, in retrospect have brought me to awakening.
I don’t regret a moment of those trying times. I know that while they were happening I often thought something was wrong and I thought I knew what needed to occur for me to be happy, what needed to stop occurring for me to be happy. But I was wrong. I needed the moment just as it was transpiring.)
5 Let me remember all I do not know, and let my voice be still, remembering.
This story is not over so there will probably be other valuable moments that I will want to resist. If so the wisest thing I can do is to remember all that I do not know. Now I have experience with this, perhaps it will be easier for me to realize that One Who does know has my best interests at heart and will bring to me what I need rather than what I want.
My little ego self isn’t interested in awakening from the world but I am not that self and I am ready to move forward as my Self. “I am ready to let go of self until there is nothing left but God”, I say. Even now my little mind starts bringing forward objections and offering compromises and assuring me there is plenty to be done in preparation. The ego, always the seeker, safely seeking, never really intends to find. Good thing I am not the ego nor beholden to the ego.
Our special theme began with the question, “What am I?” and ended with, “disappear into the Heart of God.” In between that beginning and ending, although we were given words to contemplate, we were not given an answer to the question, “What am I?” That answer comes best in those last few words, “disappear into the Heart of God,” especially in the word “disappear.”
The idea of me disappearing is what leaves the ego trembling and afraid. The ego is the only me that exists. What I am is beyond my present knowing and… oh wait, here I am talking about myself as if I exist outside the Heart of God. If the “I” that seems to define me disappears, then I believe I do not exist. This is not what is being said here.
I cannot cease to exist because I am eternal, but I do not exist as I see myself now. Since there is nothing to be gained from contemplating what I am past this one thing, I will let it suffice me to know that the “I” disappears into God. Isn’t that enough? To disappear into God is to become God. Not an “I” that is part of or in, but to become.
A few years ago when I was still listening to the ego voice in spite of my growing desire to hear only the Voice for God, I talked to the Holy Spirit about my discouragement.
Me: Holy Spirit, sometimes I notice signs that I am clinging to the ego and I feel so sad and disappointed.
Holy Spirit: Child of God, I felt your sadness this morning when you wished you could hear My Voice as clearly as you still hear the ego. I noticed that you were comparing your ability to that of another and had found yourself wanting. My Voice is as strong in you as it is in anyone who lives or has ever lived. It is as strong in you as anyone who has taken a body or never taken a body. My Voice does not vary with persons, nor is it dependent on anything in its strength. I am never absent to anyone in any circumstances.
When I am not heard it is because of fear. There is fear to hear my Voice because then the other voice is no longer heard. Do not be discouraged by your desire to withhold your attention from the truth, but also do not be hesitant to see it for what it is. You are not wrong for choosing the ego voice, just mistaken in your desire. Know that My Voice is always the same. I do not become quiet in the face of your mistaken choice but remain constant as your source of truth.
There is nothing you can ask for that will be denied you, Son of God. Everything you want is provided you the instant you want it. Just look around at the effects of all your choices. Your world is complete and just as you desired. If you are not satisfied with what you have made, then choose again. Truly it is that simple. Just as you asked for and received conflict and its resultant pain, you can choose the peace of God and experience joy instead.
It is no harder to choose peace than it is to choose conflict. Do you want it? If you prefer your interesting little dramas for a while longer then, by all means, have them. You are never wrong and God does not judge your choice. But look closely at the effects of your choices and decide if that is what you want to continue to create. And when you change your mind, know truly that your experience will change… just like that!
When you are tempted to feel less than someone else, when you are tempted by the egoic part of the mind to think that you cannot have what you want, or that the world reflects something other than your choices, laugh with Me at the absurdity of such a possibility and watch it melt away from your consciousness. Do not take it seriously because it does not deserve your serious concern. It is only important that you see it as it is and that you decide if you would keep it or let it go, and that is not serious but only a choice to be made. Open your heart, precious one, and accept the joy that is yours and has always been yours. Only you can close yourself to that joy and only you can change your mind and accept it.
You have always celebrated the birth of Jesus at this time of the year. Perhaps you would like to celebrate the birth of Christ in your mind, instead. Remove the block to the awareness of the Christ within and It will rise up in your conscious mind and you will experience the truth of who you are as you are meant to do. I know you think that moment must be years and years away because of all the blocks. But I say to you truly there is only one block and that is the desire to experience something else. Choose this moment to awaken and you are awake. Give Me the fear this thought brings. I know what to do with it.
Here is the sentence that is most meaningful to me this morning. “Let me not forget myself is nothing, but my Self is all.” I feel a sense of excitement, or anticipation because I have become willing to let the self be nothing. I have been practicing this idea for a few days in a particular way. I didn’t think this practice up on my own, or even the desire to do it. It was simply time and the idea began to show up in different places.
I suppose the idea that the self I cling to so tenaciously is not real is one that has been growing in me, but lately, I have felt the need to be me falling away. Happiest of all, I don’t feel panic about this, some ego resistance, but no strong fear.
This is the form the practice is taking at the moment. I notice the thought that I have a headache and I mentally shift that thought to, this body has a headache. It is not just a play on words. When I shift from the personal to the impersonal, I feel a shift in identity. I began to know myself as something more than a body with a headache. I was more aware that a headache is a projection of a thought onto a body, and not my identity as one who has headaches.
I said, “I have too much to do today,” I shifted to, “there is too much to do today.” That shift from the possessive pronoun shifted more than I would have expected. When I owned that thought, “I have too much to do today,” I assumed responsibility for either finding a solution or for suffering because of it. Probably both.
When I simply noticed that there was too much to do today, I automatically asked the Holy Spirit to guide me in my choices. I felt more peaceful immediately, and I realized I would finish what needed to be finished, and if something was left incomplete, then it was meant to be incomplete. Or as Byron Katie often says, I don’t argue with reality. Regardless of what was left undone, by the end of the day, I felt complete and at peace.
Here is something that happened during my practice that I wrote about last night. It was a really busy day and I was starting to get tired when I remembered that I still had to grocery shop. My kids are coming for lunch tomorrow. Usually, I cook the main dish and each of them bring a side dish, but no one volunteered this time and I started feeling sorry for myself.
The thought was something like this. “Why is no one helping me? This isn’t fair. Why should I do all the work when I am so tired?” I noticed that these thoughts were all about the Myron character and her little world. It is a favorite drama that she plays out in many forms. She wants to feel unfairly treated because that is her story and one she likes.
Seeing this very clearly, I had to let it go because it is no longer desired. Letting go of the desire for this little drama is letting go of the desire to keep the little self in place. Letting go of the story of Myron in this small way opened a space for life to unfold differently. A few minutes later my daughter called to see what she could bring. ~smile~ And without the burden of “unfairly treated,” the shopping went well and the meal is going to be simple and easy to prepare today.
The thing is, I am beginning to accept that the little self I made with all its needs and the peculiarities that define it, is nothing. I am letting it go so that Self can rise in its place. Is it silly that I am doing this one little pronoun at a time? I think it is a perfect way to practice.
I am more than ever ready to know my Self. These days my practice is to sit in silence and wait for my mind to be purified and for my Self to be revealed. I do this in absolute certainty that I will be answered and that I will recognize the answer. I have had some amazing experiences since I started this process.