Journal for Day 5

Lesson 5

I am never upset for the reason I think.

There are no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind.

At first, I thought I only had a couple of upsets in my life, but then I read that there are no small upsets. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. This is a world of division where we separate everything into categories such as big and small. But any upset disturbs my peace so all upsets are equal. I, of course, first think of the ones that feel most disturbing to me. My dear friend suffers from depression and is often suicidal. It scares me and breaks my heart. But, I am not afraid and sad for the reason I think.

Then the seemingly smaller upsets began to surface in my mind. I visited my daughter yesterday and as usual, I felt nervous about my granddaughter climbing the stairs and stumbling over something on the floor. I hate that I react to those fears that she will hurt herself. I know this makes my daughter uncomfortable, and really, it is like I am telling her that she is not a good mother. I really want to stop. I really want to give this fear to the Holy Spirit. I know it comes from my own memories of things I did wrong when my kids were little and some remaining guilt about that. I am not worried about my granddaughter for the reason I think.

Jesus, how do I stop being afraid for my granddaughter?

Jesus: You are really afraid for your daughter. You have suffered so much guilt from your perceived parenting mistakes that you are terrified your precious daughter will suffer the same thing. Your mind is mired in the past and in guilt and it holds you in place. Remember that this is only an ancient memory you hold before your eyes. Step back from the story a little and you will see what it is for. As you step back you can free yourself from fear enough to see that you are experiencing this story for a purpose. Do you see what it is for?

Me: Well, I see that guilt and fear make for a very miserable life and that I no longer want to keep this story alive with my desire to experience it. I want to forgive myself and the beliefs that perpetuate the fear and guilt.

Jesus: Yes, exactly. You simply forgot your purpose and when you did, the story became your focus, and the story is one of fear and guilt as it often is in the separation stories. Remember that your only function is to accept the Atonement for yourself. This ultimate forgiveness will bless you and all the world with you.

Your daughter and your granddaughter will receive the blessing. Your dear friend will receive the blessing. Your heart will lighten and you will remember the truth about them and this will bless them. You will lighten all of the Sonship with your holiness as you remember your purpose, and fear and guilt will fall away.

Me: Ok, thanks. I know this but there are times I forget. I accept the Atonement for myself. I forgive myself for my apparent past errors and I forgive myself for projecting them onto others and bringing them forward in some unending hellish desire to keep the guilt and fear. I cannot undo this alone, but I know I don’t have to. I give all of this to the Holy Spirit and leave it with Him. I accept His healing.

Oh well, as it turns out, that wasn’t one of the “little” problems. LOL.