IV. The Escape from Darkness, P 1
1 The escape from darkness involves two stages: First, the recognition that darkness cannot hide. This step usually entails fear. Second, the recognition that there is nothing you want to hide even if you could. This step brings escape from fear. When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter into communion but will also understand peace and joy.
This paragraph is a very simple instruction on how to return to God and my Reality. First, realize that I am not hiding anything with my pretense. My story of Myron and the world I made as a stage for this play is dark, indeed, but not dark enough to hide my intent. There is not enough darkness in existence to hide from Love.
The second step is to realize there is nothing to hide. There is not enough guilt in existence to condemn me. Nothing, not even the belief I turned my back on God, can condemn me. I am innocent and the innocent have nothing to hide.
The third step is to stop trying to hide anything. While I tried to hide my guilt, I must believe in it. When I believe in it I am too afraid to open my eyes to Reality. It is not my guilt that keeps me from awakening, but only my fear of looking at the guilt that imprisons me. This reminds me of my fear of heights. I have believed in that fear for so long that it has grown in my mind until it seems bigger than anything and impossible to release, and yet it is not so. anything can be released.
This plays out over and over in the average day. I gossip with a friend and I feel a prickle of anxiety that I ignore. I hide behind: I’m feeling so comfortable being one of the guys. No one is really hurt. Everyone knows this stuff anyway, it’s old news. In my denial of my Self, I deny God, and the guilt builds and builds. But because I am pretending not to see the guilt, pretending to hide it from myself, I must pretend I don’t know why I feel anxious.
Someone calls and as I answer the phone I have the thought that I wish no one had called. I wish I could just have this moment of quiet for myself. I feel a prickle of anxiety for this desire that separation be true. I hide it in my righteous indignation. I’ve been working all week, teaching and counseling all weekend. I deserve some quiet time. I assign my discomfort to whoever is on the other end of the phone. I hide my guilt in that person.
There are so many little bits of guilt and darkness and hiding. Mostly they seem insignificant, too small to take notice. And yet they are the blocks to my awareness of Love’s presence. They are the wall I hide behind, the wall I built to keep God out. How can I return to Love if I deny the wall, deny that I built it, deny that I can take it down? Jesus tells me that I must hide nothing from him. This is my way out.
There is no transgression too big or too small that I will hide from him. Each unkind thought or word is to be uncovered quickly, looked at with the Holy Spirit, and seen as meaningless. Each separation thought each attack or defense thought, each fear thought, all of them to be looked at, not hidden. It is in looking that I am shown they are nothing, and so I am, after all, innocent and deserving of God’s Love.