II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 5
5 Undermining the ego’s thought system must be perceived as painful, even though this is anything but true. Babies scream in rage if you take away a knife or scissors, although they may well harm themselves if you do not. In this sense you are still a baby. You have no sense of real self-preservation, and are likely to decide that you need precisely what would hurt you most. Yet whether or not you recognize it now, you have agreed to cooperate in the effort to become both harmless and helpful, attributes that go together. Your attitudes even toward this are necessarily conflicted, because all attitudes are ego-based. This will not last. Be patient a while and remember that the outcome is as certain as God.
Journal
This paragraph makes me want to laugh. I am like a baby who is resisting giving up the sharp edged toys that are hurting me. The Holy Spirit will replace my ego beliefs with the truth and I will be so much happier, but I hold tight to what I have and refuse to accept the change.
I overheard someone in the office say something that made me mad. I only heard a few words, but it sounded to me like the person was saying they did not trust my judgment on a particular thing. This was my perception of the words spoken and perception is suspect at the best of times, but nevertheless, I was offended. I recognized that this was ego thinking, and whether I had an ego reason to be offended or not, it was not what I want. Even so, I didn’t stop it right away and so the ego was off and running with scissors in hand, like the silly and self-destructive child it is.
In a moment of clear thinking, I would take the scissors away and then in a bit notice my ego had picked them up again. After a few hours of this, I got tired of the conflicted thinking. I would feel resentful, realize that the resentment was caused by my own thoughts, and would ask for healing of the belief in offense that I carry in my mind. Then I would go back to feeling offended. It was making me crazy. I couldn’t believe how hard it was for me to let go of the thought that was hurting me.
I was basically making a choice to hold onto a perceived wrong rather than using this opportunity to undo the ego belief in offense. I might as well have just said it; given a choice between being offended by a few words and being at peace, I choose the offense. I really wanted to feel offended. I played with that sharp object all day long. I placed blame. I felt guilty. I became afraid. I hated. It makes me feel a little nauseous to think about it.
I finally decided that I wanted to wake up more than I wanted this person to be guilty. I asked the Holy Spirit to correct my thinking and this time I meant it. I just wanted to return to peace. I wanted to remember my purpose and to remember that this is all I want. The confusion in my mind faded and the ego thinking lost its appeal. I didn’t make it go away or figure out another way to think, I just desired peace above all else. The Holy Spirit did the rest.
I did make a choice to become harmless and helpful. At first this was done on an unconscious level, but now I am fully aware of my goal. Blaming and projecting is not harmless behavior. Even if I only think it, it is still harmful and I cannot be helpful if I am harmful. My thinking – and I never reached the point of acting on my thoughts – my thinking was harming me. It left me mired in the ego, unhappy, guilty and fearful.
It was also harmful to the person I was attacking even though I never spoke to or acted against them. We are one mind and that mind has no boundaries. As I was adding to the dream of separation with my wrong-minded thinking, I was doing so for all of the Sonship. When I came to my senses, I gave my willingness to have the ego undone in my mind, and I did this for all of the Sonship as well.
There is no way we can go home alone because we are not alone.