ACIM Chapter 4, II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 7, 8. The ego literally lives by comparisons. Equality is beyond its grasp, and charity becomes impossible.

II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 7

7 The ego literally lives by comparisons. Equality is beyond its grasp, and charity becomes impossible. The ego never gives out of abundance, because it was made as a substitute for it. That is why the concept of “getting” arose in the ego’s thought system. Appetites are “getting” mechanisms, representing the ego’s need to confirm itself. This is as true of body appetites as it is of the so-called “higher ego needs.” Body appetites are not physical in origin. The ego regards the body as its home, and tries to satisfy itself through the body. But the idea that this is possible is a decision of the mind, which has become completely confused about what is really possible.

I am continually amazed at my ability to ignore, confuse, and overlook the obvious when studying the Course. I have read this paragraph many times. And I have noticed what it says about appetites and have even been surprised by it. But there was a resistance in my mind to this idea, and I obstinately refused to fully accept what I was reading. I mean, I said the words and repeated them. For heaven’s sake, I taught them, but I never really surrendered to them until now.

Body Appetites

What are the body appetites, and what am I trying to get through them? Sex is a body appetite, and what it offers (falsely) is closeness and joining. Its lie is that it will alleviate the nagging feeling that we are alone and unloved because we are unlovable. It offers the promise of acceptance and desirability fulfilled, the assurance that we are wanted and treasured. It often disappoints because it is ego-based, and the ego is not about joining, and love is not about the body, though when given to the Holy Spirit’s purpose, love can be expressed through the body.

How about food appetites? We need food to fuel the body, but what about the cravings? Is the desire for chocolate really divine in nature? I am especially attuned to the appetite for food as this is my favorite substitute for God’s Love. I can swoon over a perfectly baked coconut cake or creamy pie. And I can be driven from my bed to seek out a sweet relief to my craving for some desert or other. What drives these appetites?

I used to think it must be genetic or something and that my body just longed for sugar, and I was a victim of that longing. Now, of course, I understand the body is just a tool, a way of expressing what is in the mind. Jesus is helping me to understand that my cravings are in my mind and then projected onto the body (which is in my mind). He is also helping me to see that, like sex, food has become, for me, a way to satisfy my deeper longing for love and acceptance, and primarily for the love of God.

Guilt Based

Because appetites are ego-based, they are guilt-based, and so I delight my taste buds (create in my mind a sensation of tasting and pretend it is happening in my body) and feel guilty for it because I see it as a further betrayal of God. I push this thought down far enough to keep it from my awareness, but while I can hide from the reason, I cannot hide from the guilt.

The guilt drives me to punish myself, and so those sweetly delightful treats settle around my waist and in my hips, and I fear stepping on the scale. Like any addict, I promise myself I will stop this indulgence, but of course, I don’t have any true intention of doing so. I am as addicted to the guilt and punishment as I pretend that my body is addicted to the sugar.

The body appetites are literally a substitute for God’s Love. They do not originate in the body but in the mind, so all attempts to control them through suppression or denial, abstinence or dieting, are useless. It is just playing into the ego’s game of guilt and sin. I give my appetites to the Holy Spirit and ask that He heal my mind of my false beliefs about them. I entrust my body and my ego to Jesus and let him teach me their unimportance. And I continue to accept the Atonement, and allowing my mind to be healed, I undo the ego.

And More Recently

This year I made a decision about food and the body. And I gave the wherewithal to Jesus and let him guide me. I refuse to accept the idea that I have no control and that I am a victim of the body and its cravings. In fact, the very idea has become absurd to me. I am also allowing my mind to be healed of the belief I am a victim to the ego and its need to satisfy itself through body appetites. The ego really doesn’t want to give that up, but I do.

Something I have added to my regime is this. When I notice myself going to the refrigerator when I am not hungry, I do self-inquiry. If I am not the ego with its addictions and need for validation, what am I? And for a few minutes, I become still and wait to be shown. I notice that when I start to experience something, the mind runs away to its thoughts. But that’s good news. There is something it feels the need to avoid. I continue the practice.

8 II. The Ego and False Autonomy, P 8

8 The ego believes it is completely on its own, which is merely another way of describing how it thinks it originated. This is such a fearful state that it can only turn to other egos and try to unite with them in a feeble attempt at identification, or attack them in an equally feeble show of strength. It is not free, however, to open the premise to question, because the premise is its foundation. The ego is the mind’s belief that it is completely on its own. The ego’s ceaseless attempts to gain the spirit’s acknowledgement and thus establish its own existence are useless. Spirit in its knowledge is unaware of the ego. It does not attack it; it merely cannot conceive of it at all. While the ego is equally unaware of spirit, it does perceive itself as being rejected by something greater than itself. This is why self-esteem in ego terms must be delusional. The creations of God do not create myths, although creative effort can be turned to mythology. It can do so, however, only under one condition; what it makes is then no longer creative. Myths are entirely perceptual, and so ambiguous in form and characteristically good-and-evil in nature that the most benevolent of them is not without fearful connotations.

Spirit Is Unaware of Ego

Something that really jumped out at me in this paragraph is that spirit is unaware of ego. Now that he says it, I see that this must be true. The ego does not exist, and its pretense is effective only if I believe in it. If spirit knew the ego, it would be real because it was known. Here is a way I visualized this idea that spirit does not know ego.

What if I imagined a life different than the one I live? What if I imagined I was Myron in my daily life and as people knew me? But what if I was actually a superhero, much like Clark Kent is to Superman? If I focused on the story of my alter-self, I could create quite a vivid mental experience of it.

If I gave it enough attention, it would seem very real, and if I lost my hold on Myron, I could get lost in the story. I could believe it was real, and the Myron story was the illusion. I would probably be diagnosed if people noticed this. But assuming I maintained my illusion of “normalcy,” I could engage in my imaginative story while continuing my life as Myron. People would know me as a mild-mannered mother, grandmother, and minister.

A Pretend Life

Now suppose you were a friend who interacted with me from time to time or even every day. You would only know Myron. You would not be aware of my superhero identity. I could be living a rich and exciting inner life that I enjoyed way more than the Myron life, but you would not even know it existed. Well, in a way, this is exactly what is happening.

I am living a pretend life, and I call this the life of Myron. I pretend to be happy or sad, and I make up stories to accommodate these pretenses and to make them seem real to me. And I pretend to be in pain and to suffer. Such drama! The story of Myron is actually an anti-hero story. In reality, I am the hero playing at being so much less. That’s why I have to pretend to suffer even though I can’t actually suffer. I’m like Superman without even the single weakness of kryptonite, so how could pain, suffering, and death even be possible to me?

A Psychotic Break

Obviously, this story of Myron is a myth that I made up and then, in my enthusiasm, fell for to the point of insanity. I have done such a good job of pretense, and of getting so deeply involved in my story that I have had something like a psychotic break with reality. I actually believe that I am the pretense. Though it is an impossibility, I believe that I am weak and vulnerable and often a victim. But believing it cannot make it true, and I am beginning to shake off the story. It’s been fun, guys, but pretty soon, I will be out of here!

In the meantime, though, while I still believe in my story, spirit, (my true actual Self) does not know about this. It is like the friends in Myron’s life who are unaware of her pretend life. From the perspective of spirit, I am still as I always have been. Spirit would never conceive of it being different since what God creates is unalterable. As I continue to turn my awareness from the outward-facing ego story and place it on the inward spirit, the truth will become apparent.

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