ACIM Chapter 10. V. The Denial of God, P 1, 2
V. The Denial of God
1 The rituals of the god of sickness are strange and very demanding. Joy is never permitted, for depression is the sign of allegiance to him. Depression means that you have forsworn God. Many are afraid of blasphemy, but they do not understand what it means. They do not realize that to deny God is to deny their own Identity, and in this sense the wages of sin is death. The sense is very literal; denial of life perceives its opposite, as all forms of denial replace what is with what is not. No one can really do this, but that you think you can and believe you have is beyond dispute.
I went through a period of relinquishing fear and then another of relinquishing guilt. Both were very intense and while in the middle of doing this, I would often forget that looking with the Holy Spirit at guilt and fear was what I wanted. I would get caught up in these beliefs and think that I was guilty or that I was afraid. I would think that I had forgotten everything I had ever learned and that I had no way out.
Then, I would remember the truth.
It was like a drowning person surfacing and gasping for breath, and so thankful for air, then looking around and realizing I was drowning in a foot of water. I would have to laugh. Then, I would be immersed in fear or guilt again, and the process would start over. Eventually, I stopped believing in fear and guilt so much, and the process was gentler and lasted for a shorter period. I won’t say that I never experience guilt or fear anymore, but I never completely believe in them, and now I extricate myself more quickly.
After a while, I noticed grief, sadness, and depression coming up. I thought I was through with depression, but evidently, the belief in depression is still rooted in my mind. So it is coming up for me to look at and to release, just as I did guilt and fear. I didn’t realize what was happening at first. I would just get washed away in these feelings and wonder what was happening. But I have done this kind of work before, so I began to recognize it for what it is. This makes the process easier and less frightening.
Here is what I have learned through going through this.
First, it is not a sign that the truth is not true, nor is it a punishment or proof that I am not loved by God. There is no reason to be upset. It is actually a good thing that these beliefs are surfacing to be looked at and released. I remind myself of this when I start to feel upset by them.
Looking at them with the Holy Spirit means feeling them and noticing how much I believe them, so it is not pleasant, but it doesn’t have to be scary. So the second thing is that I welcome them as much as I can. I don’t push these feelings away or deny them. I don’t project them. Nor did I try to bury them. At least I do my best with this and when I notice I am in denial or I am projecting, I stop. These are ego strategies and they do not work.
Thirdly, as I become aware of the feelings and the beliefs that source the feelings, I release them to the Holy Spirit. I cannot undo this on my own. This is His function, and so I give it to Him. The ego will try to take over and offer suggestions to get rid of the feelings. It will suggest medication, therapy, blame, and eventually will suggest self-annihilation, as its true desire for me is death. The Holy Spirit, on the other hand, will offer true healing, and so I reject the ego solutions and release the problem to Him.
And finally, I sit with these feelings, releasing them as best as I can.
I notice how hard the ego mind tries to cling to them. The ego just loves all this drama, this focus on separation and misery. So, I choose the opposite. I remind myself of the truth of my being. I direct my mind to look away from the darkness and toward the light. The more firmly I make this choice, the more quickly I experience relief and the less intense the feelings when they surface.
V. The Denial of God, P2
2 Do not forget, however, that to deny God will inevitably result in projection, and you will believe that others and not yourself have done this to you. You must receive the message you give because it is the message you want. You may believe that you judge your brothers by the messages they give you, but you have judged them by the message you give to them. Do not attribute your denial of joy to them, or you cannot see the spark in them that would bring joy to you. It is the denial of the spark that brings depression, for whenever you see your brothers without it, you are denying God.
When I read the words that say I deny God, it seems like that can’t be true. Yet, when I think about all I do, say, and feel that is opposite to God, I realize it must be true. When I express guilt in any way, I deny God because there is no guilt in God. One day, my internet went out and I was frustrated because I had plans to work on my computer. There is no frustration in God so I was denying God in that moment. I was worshipping at the ego’s altar.
As Jesus says, when I deny God, I will inevitably project.
And this is what I did. I projected onto the Internet people. I thought about how it seems every time it rains, my Internet goes out. They have one job to do, to keep the Internet working, and they can’t seem to do it. As I had these thoughts, I felt worse and worse. I felt heavy and dark.
A part of my mind was aware of this, noticing the guilt thoughts, the projection, the inevitable effect of projecting guilt. But I was caught up in my stories of guilt and had a hard time letting them go. When I talked to the Internet technician, I felt like I was talking to the enemy, like it was his fault my life took a wrong turn. In so doing, I failed to see the spark in him that would have brought me joy. As Jesus says: “It is the denial of the spark that brings depression, for whenever you see your brothers without it, you are denying God.”
All this happened on a Saturday.
Then, Sunday morning, I was reading this post by Paul West, in which he reminded us that there is a beautiful and completely neutral world out there over which we have placed our guilty thoughts. I had to laugh because that is what I did. I made the Internet folks guilty for screwing up my day. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could have asked the Holy Spirit what this was for. I could have listened to guidance about what to do next and had a really good time.
When life sucks, all that means is the thoughts in our mind suck, that we are splattering guilt all over a perfectly neutral world. I had a good laugh about the whole thing Sunday morning and felt a lot of gratitude to Paul West for his post. Finding this post on Sunday morning was like Spirit was highlighting the whole incident, so I would really get it.
Once again, I remind myself that I am not the victim of my world.
I am the maker of it. Listening to the ego mind will always make a depressing world, just as allegiance to God will always show me the beautiful world that exists just behind my projections. My internet went out again on Sunday, and I did other things.
When I eventually called in, the technician was helpful, and I told him I was a genius. He laughed, and we said goodbye. That happy ending was there all along, but to experience it, I had to desire it more than I desired the right to be unfairly treated.
Here is the part of Paul’s posting that was especially helpful when I read it.
What this also reveals, as ACIM would confirm, is that just because the world currently looks a certain way, or the people seem to be in a certain mood, or I’m experiencing it in a certain mindset, or I have a certain feeling about it, this does NOT mean that these things are objectively real. If I am perceiving that other people are unloving, unkind, hateful, fear-inducing, etc. … this shows me simply that there is content IN MY OWN MIND that I am seeing overlaid on my experience of ‘reality’, making it seem as though the world sucks.
The Course speaks of the forgiven world – a world that you see when YOU have forgiven yourself. It is a neutral world, with no false meaning given to it. It is a lovely world, a beautiful world, a world of such clarity. If we are NOT seeing that world, it is because we have blocks in our awareness. We have blocks to the awareness of love’s presence, and that is what ACIM aims to help remove.
As he finishes the post he reminds us we are always seeing our own stuff.
So I should remember that no matter how the world looks right now, or what content it seems to have, if I am not seeing a completely beautiful neutral world, then what I’m seeing is MY OWN STUFF interfering with my perception. It’s not allowing me to experience reality clearly. It’s blocking my view and interfering with what I’m seeing ‘out there’. What I see out there is my own content reflected in a completely clear mirror, showing me my own ego. So if I think this world sucks and am seeing reasons for it sucking, it’s because I suck. Conversely, when I forgive myself for what I have not done and remember my innocence, I will ONLY be able to experience innocence and happiness all around me.”
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