I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
(196) It can be but myself I crucify.
All that I do I do unto myself. If I attack, I suffer.
But if I forgive, salvation will be given me.
I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
The following begins with a previous posting. I had never really understood how it is that I crucify myself. I understood the general concept, but not until Holy Spirit gave me this step by step example, did I really get it. Now I am so much more aware than I used to be, and I catch myself when I do this, asking instead, for another way to see. I follow this posting with a current example of how the Holy Spirit helped me with a further healing of these relationships.
Everything is my responsibility. I sometimes forget that this is true, and begin to think the world is hurting me and responsible for my misery. I forget that I am only projecting these things on others from my own mind and that the only power to hurt me comes from my own. I can only be hurt if I decide that is to happen. I crucify myself. But eventually, I withdraw the projections that I cast onto others, reclaiming them so that I can allow the Holy Spirit to help me see them differently.
As a result of doing this daily, I notice a difference in my relationships. I feel loving toward other people, and I feel them respond more lovingly toward me. I noticed yesterday that when I called the office for help with a customer, I began by asking how my coworker was doing. This is not unusual, just common courtesy.
What was unusual is that it was not just a polite way of beginning a conversation. It was a prayer, a song shared spirit to spirit. My soul sang of love and oneness to her soul. I think this is what communication between the children of God is supposed to be like. It is what it will be like all the time when I have allowed all my projections to be withdrawn and healed.
Holy Spirit, I see how my life is changing as I accept responsibility, but could you please speak to me about how I crucify myself?
Holy Spirit: Last night you were looking at your daughter’s photograph and thinking about your earlier conversation with her. You began to think that the conversation didn’t go as well as you hoped. You thought about how hard it can be to talk to her and how sensitive she is, how hard it is to share on a personal level. You had many thoughts about her and about how she feels about you. Soon, you were feeling very anxious about your relationship.
Before you began thinking, you were very peaceful in your mind. After you had been thinking for a few minutes you were very anxious. What changed, Myron? Your relationship did not change; it was only your thoughts about the relationship that changed.
Here is the way the ego thought system works. You harbor within your mind the belief that you have not been a very good mother to this girl and have made unforgivable mistakes. As you listen to her words you look for proof that this is true. No matter what she says to you, it seems to prove that you have failed and she hates you for it. She told you about a book she read that said the brain can be damaged by pollution. She wonders if living near the plants when she was growing up could have caused her to be depressed and need medication.
Because you began with the underlying belief that you failed her as a mother, you heard her say that you are responsible for her depression. You moved her to a place that put her in danger and you did nothing to get her out of it. Her life is miserable now and it is all your fault. She hates you for doing this to her.
The ego belief is that doing this kind of thinking protects you. The ego says that if you don’t pick apart the conversations and find the hidden meanings you won’t see the danger coming so how can you protect yourself. The ego then begins its “protection” of you. You start thinking that it was your ex-husband’s fault because he insisted the family lives there and you feel hatred for him. He is the one to blame, not you.
Then you remember that you had wanted to leave and Susan had wanted to stay. It is her fault, not yours. You begin to think that she could do something about this in the same way you dealt with your depression, but instead, she wants to blame you. You begin to think what a difficult person she is and how hard it is to talk to her. You have made her the one who is wrong. This is what the ego calls protection.
What actually happened in that phone call, Myron? You had a conversation with your precious daughter. She shared some ideas with you. Then you crucified yourself. You began with your buried belief of unworthiness and proved to yourself you were right. You tried to cover it up by projecting the unworthiness onto others, but you were not able to undo the basic wrong-minded thought because you kept looking out there for salvation as you tried to find someone else to make wrong. The ego thinks that the only way to get you off the cross is to find someone else to take your place. Each time you do this you further convince yourself that the original premise must be right because you see proof of your unworthiness everywhere you look.
The solution is to recognize where the problem lies and then to choose a different teacher. You already know how the ego tries to solve the problem and you know it never works. Would you be willing to let go of the lie that you are unworthy of motherhood? Would you be willing to turn your ear away from the ego nonsense and give Me your attention? You have carried this thought for a long time and you are becoming aware of what an unnecessary burden it is.
PS: Just recently, I had one of those crucifying thoughts about a child of mine, and asked the Holy Spirit to heal my mind. I was given a series of thoughts that led to a clear understanding of why I continue to do this with my children. I have always been surprised when I see proof that my children love me. I always think, as Holy Spirit just explained, that I made too many mistakes and don’t deserve that love, so it must not be there. But over and over, they just keep loving me.
So when I had this depressing thought about not being worthy of my child’s love, I was given another part of His teaching. Memories of how I treated my mother were brought to my mind. I thought of all the ways I failed her has a daughter and I thought how little respect and concern I had for her. Now, this happened mostly during my teen years and my early adult years. Any grievances I had against mom had all been forgiven a long time ago. I learned to admire her very much.
What the Holy Spirit showed me was that I had failed to forgive myself for my part in that relationship. I still carried the idea that I was guilty of all I did or failed to do, for my harsh judgments of her, for my lack of understanding and compassion. As long as I carried around that guilt, I would keep projecting it onto my relationships with my own children. I would see the guilt I felt for my relationship with my mom being played out by my children onto me. That is how projection works. This was not happening, you understand, except in my own mind. But I felt the pain of it as if it were really happening.
The truth is, I had nothing to be guilty about. Mom and I started with a special relationship, as all relationships here do, and we spent our lives allowing that relationship to be transformed into a holy relationship. This process of transformation is often a messy business with lots of ups and downs, and that too is normal and expected. It was a perfect use of our time together. Allowing my mind to be healed of the belief either of us was guilty of anything that occurred during this healing process was the last step in the transformation. Now that I have forgiven myself, perhaps I can finally get down off the cross and simply enjoy the love of my children.
Last year I finally made a decision to let go of all the guilt from my past relationships. I talked about this with Cate Grieves and she told me how she released her guilt so I did the same. I brought them all to Jesus and asked him to heal me. In an instant, there was a miracle of healing. All that stored up guilt was just gone never to return. I have not had a guilt thought about them since. Our relationships were always good, except in my mind, but now they are even better.
Attack is not the way to gain what you want. It is how you create and extend your own suffering, your own ongoing agitation. If peace is important to you, attack is something that must be relinquished.
Where there is attack, peace is disregarded.
Where there is peace, attack is unfounded.
Make inner peace your highest value, and attack will disappear from your mind.
When I blame someone or something else for my problems that is an attack. I am hurting myself when I do this. It just keeps the painful situation going. Knowing that I want peace above all else, I tend not to do this. I look within my own mind for the error and correct it there. Now I am at peace.