I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
(191) I am the holy Son of God Himself.
In silence and in true humility I seek God’s glory, to behold
it in the Son whom He created as my Self.
I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
I seek God’s glory in two ways. I continue to monitor my life and my thoughts to see what is blocking my vision. I meditate more and, in this meditation, I sink into my mind below the surface level of the ego and find my true Self. Or at least that is the goal. I will succeed, of course, and I have used various techniques to help me overcome the ego desire for distraction.
I have recently started listening to the silence, understanding that this silence is my Self. I might also refer to it as becoming aware of awareness because awareness can be another way of referring to my Self. From silence all sound arises is what I read and I have discovered to my surprise that I can be aware of silence even when thoughts are floating through my mind, even when people are talking to me or the ambient sounds are loud.
I think this is important because I am starting to relate more closely with that from which all other things arise… my Self. No matter what is going on in the story, I remain, the eternal watcher, the experiencer of what shows up, the watcher not the judger. This is pretty new to me so it is not consistent but I am sure it will become so.
From a past entry when I was beginning to beginning to seriously consider what it means be as God created me.
I think of being free from the body, of being as God created me, and I cannot think what this could mean. What would I look like? Of course, that is not a real question because ‘looking like’ implies eyes to see and eyes are part of the body and the body doesn’t exist. There seems to be a tendency to assume I will leave the flesh and blood idea behind and discover a different kind of body. My imagination fails me as I try to envision myself as not a body of any sort.
I try to think of myself as an idea in the Mind of God, and that is unsettling. I suppose I think that I could stop being thought of. But Jesus says that ideas leave not their source. I’m not sure why this whole thing about what I am has arisen in my mind. Maybe it is because I have been listening to Carol Howe and she refers to us as an activity or a process, and that brought up some disturbing feelings for me.
Or maybe I am looking at this right now because I seem to know that I am not the body, and the ego mind cannot grasp this and doesn’t want to. This morning, it failed to distract me and so is falling back on its usual guilt and fear tactics. As I realize that this is what has happened, the idea of ‘not form’ is not longer disquieting. It is interesting, and I feel a thrill of anticipation at the thought. I am willing to know what I am.
I am, with us all, the holy Son of God. I and all of us together, the Family of God, we are the one Son who was created as an extension of God, who has never changed. I remember who I am as I release all that I am not. I remember who I am as I release all that everyone else is not. It is true for all, this knowing, or it is not true at all.
We are not guilty, not vulnerable, not afraid. There is no jealousy, no confusion, no sickness, no suffering, and no death. There is no one who is separate from me. These beliefs in guilt, vulnerability, fear, death, are what I must relinquish if I am to know my Self because they are not part of me. I am so accustomed to believing what I see with my eyes and what I feel with my bodily senses, that it seems insane to deny these things, but that is exactly what I must do.
Vulnerability is the very opposite of my reality, as is guilt and fear. I am immortal, so what could death mean to me? I have all knowledge and complete certainty so how could I be confused? All of these things are experiences that I (we) chose. In our power as the Son of God, our choice unfolded in all its impossibilities and we have been in the midst of this choice for eons of time, and for no time.
This is what I must accept if I am to end this dream of separation. As I accept it more fully, the business of releasing all that is false gets a little easier. Today, I look at my mind and I see acceptance and I look at my life and I see witnesses to this acceptance. I see how much happier and more fulfilled I am in my life.
I see people, all sorts of people, expressing love and kindness toward me. I see guilt and fear falling away, that is, certain forms of guilt and fear in my life that are no longer there. I used to see the fear that my retirement would be financially difficult, that I would suffer lack. That all went away and has not returned. I see those thoughts sometimes, but don’t believe them so they have no effect.
On the other hand, I see thoughts in my mind that need to be corrected. I see the worry that arises around my children. Most recently, I have gained weight again (sigh) and I wonder if I will ever let that go. I have a little war going on in my mind. I want to lose weight, and evidently, I do not. And I want to quit using my body as a battleground between opposing desires.
It seems like such a shallow thing, and the ego argues that I should not even care. But Jesus says that a broken body shows that the mind is not healed, and this is, in my mind, a broken body. This business of believing I am helpless before this problem, in believing that I am victim to a body that has a mind of its own, or even that I am victim to my own false ego desires, is ridiculous and yet persistent.
What I see is that weight gain is for me symbolic of all resistance to accepting the mantle of Divinity, and that is my purpose now. It is no more and no less important than any other symbol of resistance. I want to know myself as my Father’s Son and yet I am evidently still afraid to accept my place in Him. As in all things, I choose to release this to the Holy Spirit. I ask that He heal my mind. I long to remember my Self and to remember my God.
More excerpts from the past
I am the holy Son of God Himself. Knowing this to be true is the whole point of everything I do in my life; every day of being vigilant for my thoughts and in being willing to look with the Holy Spirit, even though it is sometimes frightening to do so; the reason I study the Course and read related books and do the lessons. I am moving ever closer to knowing this truth, that I am the Son of God Himself. There is little point in doing any of this unless I am willing to know this truth.
And so, I also practice every day sitting with the idea that I am as I was created, the Holy Son of God. I just try it on and play with the idea. I think about being a creator and what that means. Yes, I have become willing to accept total responsibility for everything that happens in my life, but I have been unwilling to admit that this is a form of creation. It has been creation gone amuck, but the same power that creates also miscreates. It could not happen if I were not the Son of God.
The Course points out that while I have not created anything that is real, it is not without power. I have made illusions but my belief in the illusions is very strong, and the dream state they have left me in is very real to me. I will not wake from this state by denying my power and denying my Sonship. Even in my dreams, I am the Son of God Himself. I am determined to awaken to the full knowledge of what that means.
Me: Holy Spirit, my deepest desire is to remember what it means to be the Son of God. Please help me to see differently, to know that I am asleep and not to mistake this slumber for life. I am also willing to learn with joy. I think you have been showing me this is possible, but I cannot seem to hold onto that. I find myself to be in tears often.
Holy Spirit: Precious child, holy Son of God, your deepest desire is also the desire of your Father. You cannot but have what is the will of both. If it seems not to be true it is only because that is not your only desire, but do not despair. It will become your only desire. Every day that you spend with Me is strengthening your resolve and loosening your hold on every other desire.
Indeed, it is not necessary that this be sad, or hard. We spent an entire day laughing and that was very joyful was it not? It is an ego notion that hard work is painful work. This work can be joyful and will be joyful when you decide that guilt will no longer drive your actions. Guilt is a decision you made and has nothing to do with God. I invite you to release this iron grip you have on the need to precede every healing with guilty thoughts and subsequent pain. If you will open your hand, I will take this from you. We could spend every day in gentle laughter.
Me: Holy Spirit, I am willing. But even as I say this, I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I don’t feel especially sad about it. It is as if there is a disconnect somewhere. I don’t really understand this.
Holy Spirit: As more things come up for healing, you will have emotional releases like this. Sometimes you may feel pain with it or grief, but those will be caused not from releasing ego thoughts but by resistance to releasing them. Either way, you are doing your work. Thank you.
Me: And I thank You for being always with me. Thank you for your clear and ever-present Voice.
Thoughts and feelings come and go. When we identify with a thought or feeling, and then link it to memories of similar circumstances, we create a false self. The false self is selective identification with temporary thoughts and feelings. Selective identification ignores the truth of what is always constant as one’s self. For this reason, selective identification is called ignorance.
Today we let go of selective identification. We see the difference between what comes and goes and what is constant. We identify with our true Self, constant awareness-life-presence. We live from the clarity of Self-realization instead of from the ignorance of identifying with passing thoughts and emotions.