I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
1 (183) I call upon God’s Name and on my own.
The Name of God is my deliverance from every thought of evil and of sin, because it is my own as well as His.
I am not a body. I am free.
For I am still as God created me.
Over and over A Course in Miracles tells us that we are God. The only distinction made is that there is God the Father and God the Son and even in that we are part of each other and so there is no discernable difference. God made us but there is only God. There is no before or after in reality. It is all so confusing to the concrete mind that cannot let go of the idea of time.
What I can accept is that I am not a human being and that I am a Thought in the Mind of God. I cannot experience that right now, but I am continually evolving to the point that I can. In the world, there is the idea of evil and sin, but I am only partly in the world of evil and sin, and I can be released from that idea in my mind as I learn to accept my true Reality.
This lesson is not just saying that it is always possible to call for help when I need it. It is reminding me that I am God’s Son. Our Name shares the same power because He gave me His Name in my creation. I am literally, very literally, part of God. Through creation, I am an extension of God because that is what creation is, an extension of All That Is. When I call on the name of God, I am calling on my innate power, or to say it another way, through remembering what I am and claiming my inheritance
Holy Spirit, please show me what is next. Bring into my mind whatever is needed to bring me release. I am as open and receptive to Your help. Please help me to make that step without fear and without the painful lessons of the past. I am ready to grow for the sake of Love rather than because the suffering is so great. I am ever so grateful to the Spiritual Forces that are helping me to do this.
The following is from my journal. It was 2008 and I chose this one to share because it was a pivotal point for me. I was becoming open and receptive. I had learned how to allow healing and though it was new for me, I was completely determined to succeed.
The name of God is my deliverance, but first I must look at what I would be delivered from. It is very hard for me to do this sometimes. I can say to myself, for instance, that I am feeling anxious about something going on in my world. It is easy enough to have an intellectual awareness of it. But when I look closer and begin to feel the anxiety, to feel the fear in whatever form it takes, I back off and distance myself from the feelings.
My son has been sick and I have been worried. That doesn’t say much about what this means to me. It is like looking out of the corner of my eye and glimpsing something possibly disturbing, then asking the Holy Spirit to get rid of it for me or make it look different. This is not really looking with the Holy Spirit with a willingness to see differently. It is more like saying I want the bad feeling to go away but without changing my belief system.
The truth is I don’t want to look too closely at my anxiety because I don’t want to feel it too acutely. Every time the feeling seems to move in me, I push it away by saying, “Oh, here is some anxiety that needs to be healed. Thanks, Holy Spirit.” I am not interested in looking too closely because when I do, I feel like I am going to fall into a dark pit of despair. I am very afraid of the feelings. I can tell myself that feelings are not harmful but I don’t believe it.
So, what I am doing now is sitting with my feelings and allowing them to rise up and then fall away. I am not attaching a story to them and I am not trying to avoid them. I am not judging these feelings. I am just experiencing them. I am teaching myself that feelings are not dangerous. I am asking the Holy Spirit to be with me while I do this and that is good.
I started off hating this feeling, but it is my feeling, a product of my own creation. I cannot afford to hate anything. Hate is a barrier to love, and I do not want to leave any barriers to love in my mind. I tried to love the feeling, but love is not achieved through effort. As I remove the barriers, love will flow in without my help. It will simply flow wherever it is unimpeded.
As I allow the feelings without trying to think my way through them or out of them, I am taking full responsibility for what is going on with me. I am no longer feeling the need to make it someone else’s fault. I claim these feelings and own them. There is no need to project how I feel onto someone else because I am no longer afraid of how I feel. I look in the pit and I see the fear I have that my son is going to die and that I could not stand it. I see that I am afraid it would kill me, or worse, that I would go on living and suffer the grief of loss every day.
I want to back off from this and the thinking mind tries to help me do this as it laughs at this fear, reminding me that he just isn’t that sick. But behind every illness is the thought of death and that is the source of loss and grief and anxiety. And it is not just the loss of his body that brings me grief, because now that I am really in touch with how I feel I realize that this is a very special relationship. I have studied about special relationships and had some profound thoughts about the transformation of special into holy relationships, but the thinking mind cannot heal, it can only think.
I am faced with the truth that I have been protecting this very special relationship with spiritual words, but now that I am looking at my fears with the Holy Spirit, I see that I am truly afraid of giving Him this relationship to heal. I accept, in theory, that I am love and love flows freely from me outward, therefore I can never be without love and I do not need a special body, a particular person to make me feel loved. The love I crave does not come from someone to me, but from me to whoever is in front of me at the moment. So I should never feel a lack of love.
But all I have ever really known is special love, and even though I fully understand the concept of neediness masquerading as love, I am afraid to really look at it within myself. What if I see it for what it is and allow myself to feel the hollowness of this empty substitute? And then what if I am wrong and there is nothing else, that for some reason I am one who is not really Love, or that I am so unworthy that I cannot get into contact with the Love that I am. What if I am left with nothing?
And so, I am really looking with the Holy Spirit now. I am seeing the deeply buried fears that I have protected by my refusal to experience my fears. I have cried a lot and while I didn’t throw up, I did feel like I might. I allowed the fear to move through me without impeding it and it did not drown me.
As I ask the Holy Spirit what to do with what I have found, He gently asks me if I would be willing to be wrong. He asks me to trust Him. I see His outstretched hand in my mind and I decide to give Him my relationship with my son. I am willing to experience a holy relationship. I am willing to love without the expectation of that love being returned and without the assurance, it will last forever with this one special person. I give this all the willingness I have.
How is this supposed to work? What am I supposed to think when I think of him? How am I supposed to feel about him? I don’t know and if I entertain these questions with the thinking mind, I am inviting the ego back into this relationship. I have done my part by truly looking at the relationship with the Holy Spirit and giving my willingness to have it transformed. I will continue to do that each time the old way of specialness shows itself to me. I will trust the Holy Spirit to do the rest.
The next year, the lesson continued as I wrote about a problem that my daughter was having with her father. I felt guilty because she wouldn’t be in this position if I had not chosen the relationship with him to begin with. I felt helpless to do anything to make things better for her. It was crazy thinking but that is where I was at that time. I was going to Holy Spirit for help but wasn’t able to sort it out in my mind. He gave me the idea to reach out for help. I wrote to Regina Dawn Akers telling her a little of the circumstances and how I felt.
One thing she said that is very helpful to me and that I had overlooked is that I am involved in the personal I. Immediately I saw very clearly how this is true. I felt responsible for some of the drama that was happening in my special relationships and Regina reminded me that “I” do not do this alone.
Regina said, “From what I see, a part of your obstacle is the belief in the personal “I”, which is also the belief in separation and independence.
Notice what you wrote:”
I feel bad about the father I chose for my daughter and what it is costing her now.
“There is no personal “I” that can make this choice (above) alone. Every experience in the world comes from our one mind and what we (as that one) choose to believe. If we keep believing the craziness, we keep choosing more of it. The way we choose differently is simply by choosing another Teacher.”
Oh yeah, this is what I overlooked. I don’t want to stay mired in the drama because then I just add layers of belief to something that isn’t true. I add to the belief in the ego-mind and this is the way I continue to build on separation. No wonder the ego likes this so much.
Regina also said, “Simply do this: Spend a lot of time with Holy Spirit through your writing, through NTI, through the Course and/or through whatever means you feel to spend time with Him. Listen to His teachings. Practice them fully and do not stray from them. That is your only job. Let everything else take care of itself as you take yourself out of the craziness that makes craziness.”
I am glad she reminded me of this because as I said when I woke up, the ego was already trying to drag me back into the drama. I have found this process of giving my full attention to the truth to be very helpful and I am going to do it today. I am going to be driving all day so I am going to listen to helpful CDs. This will anchor me as I allow the false thoughts to rise to the surface of my mind, and it will help me remember what I want to do with them.
The instructions to this review period said, “Permit no idle thought to go unchallenged. If you notice one, deny its hold and hasten to assure your mind that this is not what it would have. Then gently let the thought which you denied be given up, in sure and quick exchange for the idea we practice for the day.”
Today we use the idea for the day followed by a Name of God mantra to gently replace all frivolous mind wandering. Use any Name of God mantra that opens your heart, quiets your mind, and places attention on awareness.