VIII. The Unbelievable Belief, P 6
6 The Holy Spirit will teach you to perceive beyond your belief, because truth is beyond belief and His perception is true. The ego can be completely forgotten at any time, because it is a totally incredible belief, and no one can keep a belief he has judged to be unbelievable. The more you learn about the ego, the more you realize that it cannot be believed. The incredible cannot be understood because it is unbelievable. The meaninglessness of perception based on the unbelievable is apparent, but it may not be recognized as being beyond belief, because it is made by belief.
It is really helpful for me to realize that the reason I believe the ego is because it was made by my belief. That is why it is so hard for me to let it go even though I see that I it makes no sense and even though I feel the truth of the Course. I feel the certainty that I am not the ego, that the ego is not real because it is not God. I am real because I am God, in that I am as He created me and He created me like Himself.
I made the ego through believing in it and this makes it impossible for me to withdraw from ego without help. I need something outside that belief to help me, and this is the function of the Holy Spirit. However, because of what I am, that is because I am the Son of God, nothing can take from me what I want. So the Holy Spirit can heal the part of the mind that believes in the ego, but only if I do not obstruct Him.
This is my part, and it is very small. I simply decide that I want to believe only the truth and it is done. Jesus is helping me to make that decision as he helps me to see how unbelievable the ego is. As the ego is seen more clearly through what I am learning as I read the Course, I see that it is meaningless and I don’t want it anymore.
This has been happening a little at a time. I see one thing about the ego that doesn’t make sense and I become willing to let go and so my mind is healed. But then I think some other part of the ego thought system has value to me and I want to keep it. Eventually, as I see the effects of this belief I realize it is not something I want and my mind is healed of this. This will continue until finally I have generalized the lesson and realize that the entire thought system is unbelievable and I let it go altogether.
Mostly I know this. Mostly I am convinced that the ego is not to be believed and that I am not the ego. But for a couple of weeks now, and especially in the last few days, I have seen old beliefs come back up for me to look at again. Someone seems to attack my spiritual beliefs and I feel attacked and try to defend myself. I feel the fear and anxiety that arises as this is going on. I feel small and vulnerable.
Then I remember the truth and I let it go. I give permission for the Holy Spirit to undo this in my mind. It is like I am being questioned about my decisions. Do I really want to let this go? Am I really through with this belief? It feels awful while I am feeling it, but it also feels good because I keep choosing the truth over the ego. Does this mean that I am ready to wake up from the ego belief system? I don’t know, but I am willing and I am also willing to forgive whatever needs forgiving. I am willing to bow to the Holy Spirit’s judgment on this.