V. The Ego’s Use of Guilt, P 8
8 The continuing decision to remain separated is the only possible reason for continuing guilt feelings. We have said this before, but did not emphasize the destructive results of the decision. Any decision of the mind will affect both behavior and experience. What you want you expect. This is not delusional. Your mind does make your future, and it will turn it back to full creation at any minute if it accepts the Atonement first. It will also return to full creation the instant it has done so. Having given up its disordered thought, the proper ordering of thought becomes quite apparent.
I have accepted the Atonement for this thing or that thought, but have not accepted fully. It seems I am trying it out. I have a thought that brings confusion and pain and I know this can’t be right so I ask for the Atonement in this situation. I accept it and I immediately feel peaceful about it. Sometimes the situation instantly changes because I no longer want the experience I had. Sometimes I feel laughter bubble up as I realize how absurd my previous feelings were.
But even if there is no apparent change, I feel completely different and so everything changes. In that specific situation. Jesus says that my mind makes my future and that when I accept the Atonement, (and here he means when I accept it fully) I will be through with making illusions and will return to creation, and I will do this instantly and completely.
The reason this is so is that the Atonement will change my mind. My disordered thoughts will fall away and “the proper ordering of thought becomes quite apparent.” So of course, everything changes. My mind makes up the disordered world I see because my thoughts are disordered. Without the disordered thoughts, I will see the real world which is the effect of my ordered (real) thoughts, and it will reflect God Which is the Source of my real thoughts.
So I asked Jesus what the problem is, what is wrong with me. I get this. I really do. I can almost touch it. Yet, I don’t accept the Atonement. I cling to my stories (my disordered thoughts) instead. After I asked I had the thought that I should just sit right here, unmoving, until my mind accepted the inevitable. Then I had the thought that I needed to get on with my story.
I have a job to do today, customers to see, money to make, bills to pay. Responsibilities. In other words, I have a story to live. My disordered thoughts tell me the story I made up is important and real and worth living. My disordered thoughts tell me that it is essential to follow the script I wrote and if I abandon it, horrible things will happen. I will suffer, my family will suffer, the world will end. To prevent all this from happening I have to get up from here and go to work. I will even follow my script into death because death is a small price to pay to keep the unthinkable from happening. So says my disordered thoughts.
Thank you, Jesus, for helping me to understand why it is that I don’t simply accept the Atonement and be done with it. Strangely enough, understanding how completely I have believed my disordered thoughts and how deep the fear of release, I feel safe to loosen my grip on my story. Holy Spirit, please strengthen my resolve. Correct my perceptions.
I know that Jesus is right, my disordered thoughts are showing me a disordered world, but all of it can be perceived differently and then it can be let go without effort or concern. I really see how frightening it would be to suddenly have everything I have ever believed was real just fall away, but I also know that I would not be abandoned in this moment of revelation.
Jesus has taught me much and the Holy Spirit You have healed my mind. I believe Jesus when he has said that I can do whatever he asks of me, and I trust You implicitly. So here I am, asking for the Atonement, trusting that when the world as I know it falls away, I will still exist. I put this in Your hands, also trusting that You know the exact instant that is perfect for my full awakening. But, oh my God, I long for my freedom!