III. Love Without Conflict, P 8
8 Watch carefully and see what it is you are really asking for. Be very honest with yourself in this, for we must hide nothing from each other. If you will really try to do this, you have taken the first step toward preparing your mind for the Holy One to enter. We will prepare for this together, for once He has come, you will be ready to help me to make other minds ready for Him. How long will you deny Him His Kingdom?
I completely accept that I must hide nothing from Jesus. I trust that he will not hide anything from me, but I notice that, in spite of my true desire to be completely open and frank with Jesus, I hide things from him through hiding them from myself. I do this when I look outward for the cause of my problem. I am pretending that there could be something in my life that I do not want. I still do that, but I am committed to preparing my mind for the Holy One to enter, so I am vigilant for that old behavior and willing to see differently.
Several things are happening in my story right now. One of my brothers has Melanoma and is going to have surgery Wednesday to remove it and discover if it has spread. My sister in law is very sick and seems to have given up hope. My brother, her husband, is facing some hard choices and is experiencing a lot of stress. I have had some financial setbacks. I am feeling the frustration of wanting to change my mind about an old problem, and yet holding onto it with equal determination. It’s like being in a fight with myself.
These seem like different problems with different solutions when looked at with the ego mind, but really there is always only one problem and one solution. It seems like some are more important; but actually, all are equal in their meaninglessness, because each is representative of an untrue thought. No untrue thought is more untrue than another untrue thought. All thoughts are only true or not true.
I am watching my mind vigilantly to stay aware of what I am asking for in each situation. I am striving to be as honest with myself as I can so that I can share with Jesus what is on my mind and receive his support and help. Yesterday as I was communicating with my brother about his upcoming surgery I thought I was fine on that count. But I noticed later when I let my spiritual guard down that I was full of judgment about his beliefs.
I thought I was asking for a miracle of mind healing for us both, but really, all along I was asking that I be seen as the spiritually superior of the two of us. I was asking for separation. This is why I must be vigilant. It’s ok, and I am not guilty. I am just doing what I need to do to prepare my mind, and I am willing to see what needs to be seen, and willing to accept healing for what needs to be healed.
My sister in law has been blessed so many ways and she seems to be determined to deny herself the benefits of these blessings. She is deliberately, though maybe unconsciously, choosing death over life. I thought that, once again, I was choosing the Atonement in her behalf, only to realize as I watched my mind that I was often choosing to see her guilt. When I asked for clarity on this I realized that she is doing what I do and she is doing it in such an obvious way that I cannot help but recognize it. When I felt anger at her behavior I was really feeling anger that she keeps showing me my guilt. Then I try to push the guilt on her so that I don’t have to see it on me.
Every time I think of her doing this, I see the guilt in my mind projected onto her and it seems I want to keep it there. I thought I was asking for her healing and discovered I was asking that she be the guilty one instead of me. But again, I want my mind healed more than I want to hide from my guilt, so I look at this with Jesus as honestly as I can. I see that the Peace of God cannot extend past my judgments and if it cannot extend, I cannot feel it. Wow! Thanks, Jesus, for that surprise insight! I give my judgment to the Holy Spirit so that it can be healed. I want the peace to flow unimpeded through me to her and to all of us.
Money has been flowing out of my bank account at an alarming rate this month. I must be asking for something I don’t want. I know I am asking for it because it is in my life, and while I don’t want the consequences, evidently I want the situation or it would not be there. Money is nothing. It is meaningless until I give it meaning. It seems that I have recently used money to prove that I am vulnerable to lack and loss. This cannot be true because it is not the Will of God. I change my mind about that. I choose again. I choose only what God wills for me.
This is the way I prepare my mind for the Holy One to enter. I do this diligently because that is my purpose. I choose not to allow the ego to rule my kingdom. The ego is in my mind, but so is Holy Spirit. I choose the Voice for God, and when I choose ego instead, I change my mind. Everything else is done for me.