III. Love Without Conflict, P 10
10 The calm being of God’s Kingdom, which in your sane mind is perfectly conscious, is ruthlessly banished from the part of the mind the ego rules. The ego is desperate because it opposes literally invincible odds, whether you are asleep or awake. Consider how much vigilance you have been willing to exert to protect your ego, and how little to protect your right mind. Who but the insane would undertake to believe what is not true, and then protect this belief at the cost of truth?
I have learned to be very vigilant for ego thoughts and to ask for healing. And this is good. It has been very helpful in undoing the ego. It is what Jesus asks us to do. Sometimes, though, it starts to feel like I am fighting a formidable enemy, especially when I am letting go of some deeply held and cherished belief. Lately I have been letting go of the belief that overeating is a sin for which I must be punished by getting fat.
It took a lot of vigilant mind watching even to get to the place where I could admit that this is what I am doing. Jesus reminds us that the body is not the altar of truth. The problem is never actually in the body, and nor is the solution. The ego does not have the answer. I know this, but for this issue it seems that I have made an exception. Now I am ready to recognize what I have done and let it go. I am ready to stop protecting my ego and protect my right mind instead.
This switch in thinking is taking me longer than I ever would have thought. It feels frustrating at times, and even scary. I seem to be very invested in the belief that I need the body to reflect accurately my sinfulness or my sinlessness and that this is decided by my will power in resisting cake. Ok, there, I exposed the ego reasoning in all its silliness.
With all my vigilance, I have still failed to banish this ridiculous notion from my mind, and thus the feeling that I am fighting a mighty enemy.
But, in my mind is the commitment to accept the Atonement in this situation and to be healed. This morning as I was again considering this problem, I asked Holy Spirit for help today to see it differently. I felt peace flow over me and I was reminded to surrender. I had the thought to open my arms wide as a reflection of my heart opening, to stand in total surrender to God’s Love and let it heal my mind.
Then I read today’s paragraph and I was so touched by the first few words; “The calm being of God…” which comforted me because they so closely echoed Holy Spirit’s message to me this morning. The calm being of God’s Kingdom is in my mind all of the time. It is there even when I fight to keep its awareness from my mind. It is there even when I am in a desperate struggle within myself. I am not fighting a strong enemy in the ego. I am fighting fiercely to ignore the truth. This is a battle I will lose and in losing it, I will win.
“Holy Spirit, I surrender my mind to You. I surrender my battle to You. I lay down my arms in trust that You love me and want only my good and that You know what that good is. I open my heart and I invite God’s Love to flow through me, healing me. Thank you.”