IV. Error and the Ego, P 5
5 Perception always involves some misuse of mind, because it brings the mind into areas of uncertainty. The mind is very active. When it chooses to be separated it chooses to perceive. Until then it wills only to know. Afterwards it can only choose ambiguously, and the only way out of ambiguity is clear perception. The mind returns to its proper function only when it wills to know. This places it in the service of spirit, where perception is changed. The mind chooses to divide itself when it chooses to make its own levels. But it could not entirely separate itself from spirit, because it is from spirit that it derives its whole power to make or create. Even in miscreation the mind is affirming its Source, or it would merely cease to be. This is impossible, because the mind belongs to spirit which God created and which is therefore eternal.
What a relief it is to read this paragraph! My mind may be confused, it may be misused, but it is eternal. It will never cease to be because it belongs to spirit which was created eternal. I am spirit. I belong to God. I love to think of that. Even my miscreations are an affirmation of the power of mind, and of my Source.
Jesus says that mind returns to its proper function only when it wills to know. This is why the question, “What am I?” is such a good question. It is an expression of my desire to return to my true will, my heart’s desire. I want to return to God, and to be my Self again. So I ask over and over, “What am I?” I ask repeatedly not because there is no answer, but to reestablish my will to know. I have been in denial about my true will and now I am learning to remember it.
And I am learning to remember that I want to know my true will. Just as Jesus said it would, doing the work, practicing the Lessons, asking for and accepting the Atonement is working. I am returning my mind to its proper function. Often this does not seem to be the case, but I do sometimes get affirmation of my true will rising in me.
When this is most striking is when I am in the middle of an ego storm, confused as hell, and someone asks me to help him or her see a problem differently. I will feel love rising in me and extending outward. Sometimes I will experience words not my own coming with this flow of love. Afterwards I will cry out of sheer gratitude. I may even go right back into my ego storm, like nothing just happened, and yet I just experienced a miracle.
At those times it feels like Myron is just stumbling around trying to get her footing, but that I am intact, whole and part of Something Else. I think that the Self that is never affected by Myron’s dramas is always there, but I am too distracted by my story of the world to feel it. I also think that since I am becoming aware of this Self, it is a sign that I am expressing my will to know.