C 7: X. The Confusion of Pain and Joy, P 6

X. The Confusion of Pain and Joy, P 6

6 The Holy Spirit is perfectly trustworthy, as you are. God Himself trusts you, and therefore your trustworthiness is beyond question. It will always remain beyond question, however much you may question it. I said before that you are the Will of God. His Will is not an idle wish, and your identification with His Will is not optional, since it is what you are. Sharing His Will with me is not really open to choice, though it may seem to be. The whole separation lies in this error. The only way out of the error is to decide that you do not have to decide anything. Everything has been given you by God’s decision. That is His Will, and you cannot undo it.

Journal

I feel like a fool as I sit here asking to wake up, trying to align my will with God’s Will. I spend the day looking at false thoughts in my mind and letting go of the belief in guilt, and asking for Christ’s Vision as I interact with my brothers. And all the time, this is done. I am asking for what is already mine. It could not be otherwise because it is the Will of God. My confusion lies in the belief that I have a will separate from the Will of God, that there could ever exist anything that is not the Will of God, and that I have somehow undone His Will.

Here is what I think right now. I keep asking for what I already have because this is the way I convince myself I don’t have it. This is just another ego strategy for keeping the illusion going. It has occurred to me lately that I can’t believe I still entertain ego thinking when even as I do it, I know it can’t be right.

I can’t believe I get sick when I know that the body cannot sicken and die unless that is my desire. I know this is true. And yet, I choose sickness, and craziest of all, I go to the doctor or take medicine even though I know that the cause is in my mind, not in the body. I know that I chose the sickness and I know that the medicine is not the cure, and still I pretend I can’t stop getting sick and I pretend the medicine helps.

I know that we cannot return our full awareness to the Kingdom with guilt in our mind. I do not doubt this for a moment. But then I turn around and project blame on some hapless person just dreaming their dream, or I decide I am just so guilty for something I thought or something I did years ago that now I have to be depressed about it. I do this, and at the same time, I know it’s crazy.

When I was a child I would play at being a princess and while I was doing this I believed I was that princess. I was so caught up in the story, the world around me ceased to exist. The little girl I was didn’t exist for me. But no matter how long I played this game, and how completely lost in the play I was, nothing changed. I pretended to be a princess and in my mind I was a princess. But no amount of pretending changed who I was, and I didn’t have to do anything to restore me to the little girl I was. I just stopped pretending to be something else.

That is all that is happening now. I am pretending to be something I am not. And now I am pretending I can’t stop, that there is something else I must do to fix this. I know this is the ego mind that resists waking from the dream. I know that I am not lost or condemned. I know that I do not have a will separate from God.

I know that this separation idea is all done and complete, and always has been. I am not confused. There is nothing for me to decide on, and nothing for me to do other than to accept that there is only God’s Will and I am part of it. I will wake up when I stop pretending that I can’t.

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