I have no cause for anger or for fear,
For You surround me. And in every need
That I perceive, Your grace suffices me.
Father, let me remember You are here, and I am not alone. Surrounding me is everlasting Love. I have no cause for anything except the perfect peace and joy I share with You. What need have I for anger or for fear? Surrounding me is perfect safety. Can I be afraid, when Your eternal promise goes with me? Surrounding me is perfect sinlessness. What can I fear, when You created me in holiness as perfect as Your Own?
God’s grace suffices us in everything that He would have us do. And only that we choose to be our will as well as His.
This is an old entry but the story illustrates the lesson very well so I am leaving it. Over the years since, so much of this has been healed. As I read it this morning, I wonder how I ever got through those years with so much unresolved anxiety. It is hard to live from the ego mind. I am grateful that I no longer do that and that when I fall back into ego thinking, I know enough to return to my holy mind so much more quickly.
I seem to have an unfulfilled need whatever direction I turn. I don’t have my bedroom floor installed. I don’t have enough cash on hand to finish the job. I have first one thing then another go wrong at work. Last night I was looking for a place to eat, and after 15 years of eating out more often than I eat at home was suddenly overwhelmed by revulsion of restaurant food. I hated the thought of eating at all.
I am concerned about my son and think I need to do something. I think it is getting close to Christmas and I need to get my shopping finished. I think I need to be a better Course student, catch up on my journaling, get my book ready for publishing, be there for my students. I think I need to have something, to do something, to be somewhere, to be something; the list is endless.
When I sit in this neediness my emotions seesaw between fear and anger. I am afraid I won’t have enough or do enough, then I am angry because I project this sense of unworthiness and see the world as the cause. I am perpetually discontented and this is the natural state of the ego and will not change as long as I continue to listen to the voice of ego.
God offers me another Voice. This Voice tells me that I am surrounded by God. The thought of being in God seems absurd in the face of all my neediness, but what if my neediness is the result of insisting I be in charge of my own salvation? What if all I need do to have every need met is to surrender my desire to be my own god?
What if I surrendered my need to have my house finished, and my need to have the money in hand, with the emphasis being on “need?” The ego begins to argue that I need to make calls, I need to make arrangements or nothing will get done. I can’t just sit around and wait for the project to complete itself. But what if I surrendered the “need” for anything to happen? What if I said, “Not my will, but Your Will through me, Father?” What if I decided that I don’t know what anything is for?
The wee voice of the ego gets smaller and smaller as it insists that nothing will get done. But what if I place my trust in God? What I think I need is a contractor who shows up when he says and more money to throw at this house and deadlines be met. What if that is not my need at all? How many times have I thought that all I needed to be happy was to get a need met, and how many times was I wrong about that? The need is met and I feel good for a brief moment and then another need pops up and I am again discontented.
I keep trying to save myself through meeting artificial needs and it never works. That is the point, really. As long as I keep doing this, I get to stay in charge of my sad little kingdom. “That’s alright God, I can handle this. I don’t need You. I got it.” After all, I only need to get this house repaired and all will be well in Myron’s little world. I will be saved. And my separate and special world is preserved. I will feel a twinge of guilt for usurping God but what’s a little guilt, right?
Really? I have been playing this silly game for thousands of lifetimes and I am willing to stop. I am willing to see that my problem isn’t an unfinished house and so getting the house fixed will not change anything. I will have a house, but I will still have an endless string of unmet needs.
Holy Spirit, I am willing to surrender to God’s plan for my salvation and to give up my own. When I think I need something in the world I will look at this with You. I am willing to see that my need is not to have a different picture in the world, but to know that I am in God and that will suffice. I know that I will continue to cajole the contractor and buy Christmas presents but I am willing to do so without thinking the successful completion of these tasks will bring me happiness. Again, today, I am willing that Life live through me.
That posting was two houses ago. Everything got done and eventually, I moved on. Each house since has been easier and more peaceful. While getting the roof changed on the house I live in now, all my materials were stolen and had to be replaced. Very expensive proposition! And yet, I was not upset and simply did what needed to be done.
I had moments of blaming those who did not safeguard my materials but I didn’t have a lot of emotion behind those thoughts and they quickly dissipated. The roof needed to be replaced and the money needed to be provided for that project, but it wasn’t my salvation either way. I didn’t feel afraid or guilty and that is because every time I have those feelings, I turn to the Holy Spirit with them. Accepting the Atonement for them is healing my mind. It is not a completely done job yet but is getting closer to being complete each time I choose God over ego.