I wrote this in 2007. I used to be very afraid of strong feelings, and I went through some uncomfortable times as I learned to walk through my fear with the help of the Holy Spirit. This has been done, but I am sharing this writing because I have noticed that a lot of people have this challenge.
Looking with the Holy Spirit
I cannot continue to deny that there is anything to look at by projecting onto others what is in my mind. I cannot continue to avoid the feelings because the avoidance of feelings is the reason I project. I don’t want to feel wrong or bad or evil, so when a situation threatens me with these feelings I decide someone or something else must be responsible and the cause of. In this way, I can avoid the whole issue and not experience these uncomfortable feelings.
Part of looking at a situation is to allow me to “look at” the feelings, that is, to experience them rather than to suppress them. Being afraid to feel is teaching me I have reason to fear. I do not want to teach myself this as it is not in alignment with my true nature as God created me. I am not meant to live in fear.
As I write this I am amazed at how resistant I am to this idea of strong feelings. I could easily walk away from this. I find myself thinking about how impossible it will be to do this today. I have so much work to do and it involves visiting customers. What if I need to look at something which evokes tears? I can’t cry in front of my company and I can’t go around with mascara streaks. I’m even avoiding the fear I am experiencing right now.
I often use avoidance to do this by intellectualizing and conceptualizing and pretty soon I have it all figured out and, “hey, I didn’t need to feel it at all.” Or I use distraction and get really busy with something else and forget all about it, maybe for months! I have been trying to control fear using these techniques, but I no longer want to control because control is what the ego does. I want to master fear through the Holy Spirit, which is within me. To do that I must be willing to go right through the fear. This is how I will know that it is nothing, just an idea.
Holy Spirit, I am willing to do this. I ask Your help and Your guidance. I trust the perfect circumstances present themselves and I set the intention right now to look with You at whatever comes up today. This time I am willing to look fully, and not to avoid the heart of the matter by avoiding the feelings the thoughts evoke. I feel very brave sitting here at the computer, but I ask that You support my strength with Yours as the day presents me with opportunities to practice.
PS: As I was posting this older article, I was given an insight into my present behavior. First, the thought came to me that while I am quite willing to sit with my feelings now, I still avoid crying in front of anyone. I showed that to Holy Spirit and He showed me my sense of vulnerability. This led to my need to defend myself and then to my secret need to preserve a separate identity. I am done with that and so I told the Holy Spirit He could remove that from my mind.
Thank you, Holy Spirit for this valuable insight.