I can give up but what was never real.
I sacrifice illusions; nothing more. And as illusions go I find the gifts illusions tried to hide, awaiting me in shining welcome, and in readiness to give God’s ancient messages to me. His memory abides in every gift that I receive of Him. And every dream serves only to conceal the Self which is God’s only Son, the likeness of Himself, the Holy One Who still abides in Him forever, as He still abides in me.
Father, to You all sacrifice remains forever inconceivable. And so I cannot sacrifice except in dreams. As You created me, I can give up nothing You gave me. What You did not give has no reality. What loss can I anticipate except the loss of fear, and the return of love into my mind?
The first entry is a good message from the Holy Spirit. The second entry is a compelling account of my encounter with my mother after her death. Its value lies in what I learned about love and guilt.
I no longer completely believe I am the body/personality, but evidently, I do not completely believe I am not the body/personality either. It seems to be very hard to let go of this identity no matter how insane it is to keep it. How can I see giving up the illusion of a self for my own glorious Self as a sacrifice? It is inconceivable that I cling to the ego belief system when I know that there is something else, and yet I do it. Holy Spirit, could you please speak to me about this?
Holy Spirit: Child of God, it does indeed seem hard to give up the self you made. It seems hard because you do not completely desire it. As long as you do not completely desire it, it will be seen as sacrifice and you will resist.
Me: I can see that, Holy Spirit. When I am dieting as long as my strongest intention is to lose weight, I have no problem resisting sugar. However, when my intention wavers suddenly passing up the cake feels like a sacrifice and I don’t want to do it. I will eventually eat the cake and there is this little shadow of something I had never identified before. Now I see that it is triumph. “Hah! I did not sacrifice my desire. I got the cake.” If I resent sacrifice so much that I feel this over a piece of cake, I wonder how much I fight the idea of sacrificing what I see as my identity?
Holy Spirit: There is indeed, much resistance to this thought. This is the reason it is important that you allow yourself to learn that the ego is not your true identity and that you really want to regain your true status as Son of God. Do not be discouraged if this seems to be taking a lot of time. In fact, do not judge the process at all and you will see that it not as slow as you thought, nor nearly as hard.
You are committed and you are determined. You have learned to be vigilant and willing. You are beginning to not only release those ego thoughts that bind you to the idea of the world, but you are becoming willing to claim your heritage as God’s Son. The impatience you feel is the ego trying to join you in your awakening. Look at the impatience without fear, and do so with the willingness to see it is nothing. It will fall away without your belief in it to support its existence.
Occasionally you think that the ego has great power and that you give this power up when you give up the ego. This is not true. The ego has no power and you give up nothing when you give up the ego. All power is of God and when you accept His gifts, that power flows through you unabated because it is your desire that it do so. To experience the power of God, you only need accept it, that is, to surrender your desire to own it and, instead, allow it to simply flow through you. The ego is your desire to be the maker of the power and this is nonsense. All That Is comes from God and is God.
Me: I feel a sense of awe when I think of God, but I also feel afraid. I don’t think I should feel afraid of my Creator and that is why I often call Him Father, which feels friendlier and safer. I think that one reason I resist giving up the ego identity is that I am afraid to be naked before my God. I feel like the ego is my cover, or my protection.
Holy Spirit: Yes, there is fear of facing God. You asked an innocent question and in your power as His Son, you experienced the answer to that question. The answer was the ego as you see it, and in your imagination, you began to think it was real and you had really done this thing, and that it was a sin against God. Thus you experience fear of God and further imagine He seeks to punish you. You think you have wrested power from God and made it your own and that in taking yourself from God you have grievously injured Him. Do you see the insanity of such a belief?
And yet, you believe this and that belief holds you in hell. Child of God, holy and beloved child of God, you have not sinned and it is inconceivable that Your Father could be threatened by your imaginative play. Let go of the fear that you have sinned for indeed you are innocent as you were created. What God creates cannot be changed or undone. What God creates innocent is forever innocent. What God creates He loves. What God creates is an extension of Himself. What you made blinds you to the only true thing in the Universe. Would it be a sacrifice to release what you made to be what God made?
What is happening now is that I am cleaning up what is left of my belief in ego. I am being shown where I still hold onto the separate-self identity, and to the ego beliefs that are not true. There seem to be a lot of beliefs in my mind that need to be undone, but I know there really is only one, so I am not discouraged by them, surprised sometimes, but not discouraged.
Mostly these beliefs are being revealed in little everyday ways. I quickly and automatically defend myself to my boss and realize that I still see others as greater or lesser than me and so separation is still in my mind a reality. I see that I still feel the need to be seen a certain way and so am quick to defend my image. And in that little moment of defense I still believe I can be attacked and because I believe in attack I must defend myself, and the ego cycle of attack and defense is perpetuated. The answer to these false beliefs is in my mind and so is the solution. I bring them together so that the light can dissipate these dark thoughts.
Sometimes the healing is a bit more dramatic. I had such a moment the other day. My mother and my sister in law who have both passed had been coming into my mind a lot lately, and I was wondering why. I had the thought to contact a fellow minister who has the ability to speak to and hear those who have passed, an ability I have never developed. I asked her if she ever acts as a medium and would she be willing to do so for me. I know this woman very well and completely trust her.
She responded the same day and she facilitated communication between me and my mom and my sister in law as well. Both conversations were important for different reasons. The one I want to talk about, though, is the one with my mom. She was very happy and peaceful and extremely joyful. This was lovely to see because her last years were spent in a nursing home with little joy. She had Alzheimer’s and when I would look into her eyes I saw someone lost and afraid. This image has haunted me.
I also spent a year after her death dealing with periods of grief that was more about letting go of guilt about my many perceived failures as a daughter. I did pretty well with that, but there have been times that the guilt would pierce me suddenly and cruelly. Very painful. One of the things I asked my mom was this; did she knew how much I loved her because it was my greatest fear that I failed to let her know this when she was alive. She said that she has always known how much I love her. What a relief that was!
She talked about the many journeys we have shared and about our closeness and our love for each other. She talked about being together again and mostly what came through was her happiness. In life or rather in this story of a life that we have going here, she was not a very happy person a lot of time. Her classroom was one with many harsh lessons. The person I talked to through my friend was my mom without her story. I absolutely recognized her and even now as I write, the love I have for her, a love separate from our story here, wells up and fills me with joy.
So what was it I learned from this encounter and why was it so important to me? I knew, but only as a concept since I had no memory of it, that the stories of who we are here are not true stories. I am not the personality that is Myron and when I leave this particular classroom I will leave that behind. All the dramas and the attacks and the guilt-ridden experiences are not real either. I learned that only love survives death. I am forgiven my story of failure toward my mom because it is not real and never was.
Another thing that I learned from this encounter with her is that love crosses all boundaries but that I can block it. My mom told me that she is experiencing love like she has never known and that she is sending me that love. I did not doubt that but I haven’t felt it at this level and wondered why. The next morning as I sat down to write, I felt that love so intensely that all I could do was sit there and experience it. I cried in joy.
After the encounter with mom all the guilt I had been carrying around dissolved. It was obvious to me that it was a useless burden with no purpose and so I let it go. What also became obvious to me yesterday was that without the guilt blocking the love, I could fully experience it. So Jesus is right again; guilt is a block to our experience of love. What a waste of time it has been to hold onto all that guilt.
Yesterday I had a sudden memory of an incident with mom that in the past has triggered remorse. I felt that for just an instant and then I remembered that mom is happy and that she loves me and I love her and nothing that happened in this story of us as mother and daughter affected our loving relationship at all. She knows that I have always loved her. The guilt and remorse were gone in an instant. Knowing how mom feels now makes it impossible to believe the guilt anymore. I realized that I will never feel guilty about anything that happened with my mom. It all seems meaningless now.
What has also occurred is that all the guilt I have in my life has become less real, less substantial, like it is made of something there, but without substance. Maybe like a cloud as Jesus has described it, or a thin veil. When I noticed a guilty thought coming into my mind yesterday, I found it hard to hold onto it. I questioned its validity, even its existence.
If guilt did not travel across the boundary of life in a body and life outside the body, then how real could it be? If mom only knows love on that side, then perhaps I can know only love on this side. I think that is my goal now, to let go of the guilt so that all I feel is the love. I have said that was my goal in the past, but now I know it. And now it feels very possible.