God has condemned me not. No more do I.
My Father knows my holiness. Shall I deny His knowledge, and believe in what His knowledge makes impossible? Shall I accept as true what He proclaims as false? Or shall I take His Word for what I am, since He is my Creator, and the One Who knows the true condition of His Son?
Father, I was mistaken in myself, because I failed to realize the Source from which I came. I have not left that Source to enter in a body and to die. My holiness remains a part of me, as I am part of You. And my mistakes about myself are dreams. I let them go today. And I stand ready to receive Your Word alone for what I really am.
Jesus makes it sound so simple. I think or feel something that is not like God, I then realize this can’t be true because I am like God in every way and nothing can change this. So I let my condemning thoughts go to the Holy Spirit to be removed from my mind. It is simple, but I used to think it was hard. Now I see it is not hard, it just required vigilance and practice.
This led to more peace and more certainty until a decision was made to never again compromise, to always choose the truth over the ego false claims. I am still at the stage of practice with this, but I am practicing from a place of greater freedom and joy and certainty. I cannot fail because I am not making myself anything, I am just becoming willing to remember the truth that never stopped being true.
I read my journal this morning to see how this felt in the past and it was interesting to see how I was led from fear and doubt, through the various stages of understanding, to get to this place of complete dedication and trust.
I guess this is a way of saying, once again, that I am as God created me. I think I put myself in a body, and I think I made a world unlike God in which to keep that body apart from Him. I know in my deepest heart that this is not right and I feel oh so guilty for my attempt to destroy the Oneness that is God. And so I condemn myself. I see that self-condemnation symbolized in every part of my life. But I know that no matter what I think I fail at, it is really about my rejection of God.
How do I shake this off? If God does not condemn me, why should I? Holy Spirit, please help me to understand this differently. I get it on an intellectual level, but my intellect does not serve me here. It simply masks my doubt with all the right words. My heart still contracts at the thought of my “sin.” My intellect says that God did not abandon me, that I abandoned Him, and that this is not even possible as thoughts leave not their Source. But I feel abandoned, alone in a world of a billion other alone bodies. It feels like I have been abandoned by my God.
Holy Spirit, I know all the right words. I don’t want words and intellectual reasonings. I can’t think of anything more symbolic of the ego than just saying all the right words and trying to change my mind through reason. I want to slough off the ego thought of separation from You. I want to slough off the ego thought of unworthiness and condemnation. I want to believe in my Self, or at least when I am unable to believe in my Self, to be able to return to the truth easily and quickly.
Holy Spirit: My dear friend, do you feel like someone in a fight with yourself, and if you are fighting your self who do you think will win? Surrender the fight. Surrender the struggle. You are sloughing off the ego identity every day. Every day you feel less like the ego and more like your true Self.
The thought in your mind that wants to be separate and autonomous is in resistance, but it is just a small thought in the vastness of your holy mind. It is nothing to fear and nothing to fight. Surrender. Surrender to the truth. Remember that you are loved, you are loving, and you are Love. Let the struggle and the fight go out of you and allow the gentle arms of Love to wrap around your holy Self. Relax into the Truth. We surround you with love and support and wait patiently for you to accept all the help you are offered. Will you accept the Love of God now? Do you see how easy this is? Merely stop wrestling with yourself, surrender to Love, and allow us to support you.
Me: Holy Spirit, it is like my mind has cleared of a heavy fog. I feel my heart lift and lighten. I am ready to see through the eyes of love. I feel silly about my fears and self-condemnation. I don’t even know where they came from. Well, of course, they came from the little ego thought in my mind. As ego thinking comes forward in my mind, I am going to stop trying to stick it back into the recesses where I can pretend it doesn’t exist. Because what is happening, is that every so often it escapes and I get a surprise attack that knocks me down.
I am going to be more vigilant for these thoughts and fully willing to look at them with You and allow them to be corrected. I am willing to forgive myself for my foray into fear and egoic thinking and behavior. I have allowed self-loathing and fear to take up residence in my mind, and I forgive myself for that. I tried to be rid of it by projecting it onto someone else and it didn’t work because I am too aware to fool myself with that ploy for very long. For this I am grateful, and I forgive myself for trying. I rest in forgiveness and gratitude. I rest my mind in You Who love me and guide me.
It is very interesting to me that the last time I wrote in this journal I was wrestling with some stubborn fear thoughts because this time I am doing the same thing. I found extra help this time in The Holy Spirit’s Interpretation of the New Testament. I was feeling very frustrated that I could not seem to surrender certain mistaken beliefs so I picked up NTI, and asked the Holy Spirit to guide me to something helpful.
He guided me to NTI Matthew 25. The first thing I read was:
But fear is an illusion
and all illusions can be overcome.
I knew right away that I had been guided to the section that would be most helpful to me. This is an interpretation of a section in the Bible that talks about sheep and goats. In NTI, the Holy Spirit explains that the sheep represent the thoughts of God; love, oneness, sharing, peace, and joy. The goats are representative of the separation thoughts in the mind and He tells us that they are both in our mind.
The Holy Spirit says that when we listen to the goats we believe the illusion is real. He says, “What you believe shall be your experience, and so your mind will seem to be but a herd of goats.” Later he tells me that if I ask for His help we will sort through the herd together and separate the sheep from the goats.
It hit just the right note for me because it felt light, easy and even comical. I had been wrestling with myself for the whole weekend and had started taking it all too seriously. I needed to lighten up and when I did, I felt light and my mind was lighted. Thank you, Holy Spirit. All day long as I noticed ego thoughts I visualized herding that goat into the pen, and I had to laugh. What a great, lighthearted way to do the work.
Well, this is funny because again I find myself looking at a persistent fear thought. For a couple of days it felt heavy and burdensome, but today I understand that this thought is coming up in different ways so that I can see it and let the light of truth shine it away. At first, I completely bought into the ego belief that even having the thought in my mind was a sin, and that it meant I was not saved and evidently never would be. This thought, believed, led to fear, which made the lie feel more real and more serious.
I knew that this was not right even though I was feeling it. I stayed with the Holy Spirit on it and kept asking for healing and another way to see it. I began to let it go but it was not immediate. It felt stubborn and as hard to remove as ink on white linen. I kept returning to the thought and felt like I was indeed wrestling with myself. I felt like I had finally won the fight but this morning I noticed that another similar thought on the same subject arose in my mind, but this time I remembered that the thought does not define me. It is just a thought. I looked at it and saw that it was not a true thought. End of story.
I could have done that from the first moment I noticed that thought, but I became entangled in the ego belief that having the thought in my mind somehow made me guilty. Now it was not just a thought to examine, but it was a confusion of self-condemnation and guilt added to a wrong minded thought. This is what made it feel like a big deal and difficult to let go. To extract my mind from this I had to relax around the belief and see it as an opportunity to forgive what is in the mind rather than a condemnation of what is in the mind.
This morning there was total clarity. I could not be guilty. The other person could not be guilty. Guilt is just something made up, part of the ego illusion of separation. In the real world, there is no guilt at all; it is inconceivable. There is no one to forgive because there is nothing to forgive, not ever. The ego mind keeps throwing out different circumstances to entice me back into the story, but the truth is not to be found in the story.
The story was designed to draw me away from truth. Each time the story returned to mind I looked away from it and back to truth. What shall I believe, the ego or truth? Looking to the story to tell me what I am is the same as asking the ego what I am. The ego story says everyone is guilty of something. The Holy Spirit doesn’t show me how each person can be seen as innocent, He shows me that guilt does not exist so everyone is innocent.