God is my Father, and He loves His Son.
My true Identity is so secure, so lofty, sinless, glorious and great, wholly beneficent and free from guilt, that Heaven looks to It to give it light. It lights the world as well. It is the gift my Father gave to me; the one as well I give the world. There is no gift but this that can be either given or received. This is reality, and only this. This is illusion’s end. It is the truth.
My Name, O Father, still is known to You. I have forgotten It, and do not know where I am going, who I am, or what it is I do. Remind me, Father, now, for I am weary of the world I see. Reveal what You would have me see instead.
There was a time when I read this lesson that says God is my Father, and He loves His Son, that I felt a moment of disappointment, a grievance against God, because He loves His Son and His Son is all of us together, the entire family of God. I had a thought that was something like, “What about me now? What about Myron?” With that thought came sadness and anger.
Then I thought, “But I am the Son. I am not Myron, but the Son of God.” And I saw that this thought of wanting the individual self to be honored is what fuels the illusion and keeps it running. It is this thought, that I want God’s special favor and that I can’t have it because He only loves everyone, that triggers the feelings of depression and rage. That was the first time I saw it in my own mind.
The thought didn’t stay long because as soon as I felt the sadness and the anger, I chose peace instead. I am, every day, less tolerant of the ego desire for drama and less willing to follow the ego mind into these feelings. As soon as I felt the desire to return to peace, Holy Spirit showed me what the feelings were all about. I was just stunned by this. It was still easy to forget that I am not Myron. It still required my active desire to remember the truth. I don’t have this feeling anymore, but I am not entirely free of the belief in self either.
Here are some entries from the past that are helpful examples of the practice of this lesson.
Because I want to know this, to really know it, to feel it in every fiber of my being, I watch closely for those indications that I have placed some false idol above this desire. I noticed a grievance yesterday and was surprised because I also noticed I had been holding it for a couple of days but had refused to look at it until yesterday. I did not say to myself, “I see this grievance but I want to worship it awhile before I give it up.” But that is what I did. Yesterday when it rose up into my awareness again, suddenly I felt very “yucky” and wanted to forgive it. I don’t know why two days ago I was able to push the grievance to the back of my mind and yesterday I was very clear that I had something to forgive. But I am grateful to be aware and grateful to forgive.
With that grievance held in my mind, I could not be fully aware of the love my Father has for me, nor could I fully express my love for my Father. In the Text is a passage that says: “You cannot enter God’s presence if you attack His Son,” and a grievance is an attack. This is why forgiveness is the cornerstone of salvation. Everything in the Course is leading me to forgive so that I can know that God is my Father and that He loves me. Yesterday I heard myself make a very unkind statement about someone. It was done in a joking manner and I remembered the lesson from my ministerial courses that talked about the unkind use of humor. As is easy to tell from TV sitcoms and popular jokes, the ego uses this kind of humor to mask cruelty and to legitimize judgment.
I did not know why I made this sick “joke” about someone I know and care for. I looked at the words and asked the Holy Spirit to look with me and help me to understand the energy behind the words. What have I done before that is like this and that I am ashamed of, or maybe it was about my fear of being like this. I quickly saw that this person’s behavior was bringing up a memory of my past. I no longer behave like that but I used to. I did not forgive myself for it and so it was hanging around, creating a sense of self loathing which, although I was not aware of on a conscious level, was none the less there. At the first opportunity I was trying to hurl it out of myself and onto the closest victim who turned out to be this friend of mine.
I forgave myself for my past behavior and forgave myself for feeling that I needed to project onto my brother what I did not want to look at in myself. Having withdrawn the projection, I was able to glimpse the Christ within the ego shell that my brother chose to wear in this illusion. It was truly a beautiful light. I felt such ease and comfort to know that within me is the same light. I also felt that “yuckiness” lift from my mind. I congratulated myself on a job well done and on saving myself a thousand years of “yuckiness.” Not a bad day’s work!