I was having trouble journaling this morning. I have been looking at the same words all year. What else is there to say? Then I would read my lesson again and think that I don’t really understand this. It is just words. I wanted to just walk away from it. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me with the anxiety this is bringing up for me. He led me to a guided meditation by Nouk Sanchez from the audio book by she and Tomas Vieira, The Miracle of Trust.
I felt some resistance to doing the meditation because I felt the need to get this done and move onto the next thing, but my guidance was clear so I started the meditation. Nouk begins it by asking me to inquire within for a judgment I am willing to release. This turned out to be a little harder than I thought it would be. I felt a general sense of anxiety, but was having trouble naming it. So I asked for help from the Holy Spirit and started writing.
I feel overwhelmed – too much to do – too much to think about – too much to remember. How will I find the time to get my book ready and to do all the other things the weekend requires of me? (I noticed many thoughts in my mind, responsibilities, chores, etc) I noticed that I was worried I would forget something important because there is so much to do and remember. This thought makes me very anxious.
I sat quietly with this for a few moments and the thought I received from Holy Spirit is that I have put myself in charge of my life again, and that I know it is too much for me and will end badly. I have spent the week practicing allowing the Holy Spirit to live me rather than trying to direct life. This morning I slipped back into playing god.
With this clarity I was able to choose what I was ready to release. I began the meditation with this prayer. “I am ready to release the desire to direct life. Holy Spirit, in this too, live me.” The meditation was short but very powerful. I feel ready to trust God to know how to live through me. I am ready to surrender this dream of life to Divine Intelligence. Never before has surrender felt less like failure.
I notice that the ego is frantic at the thought of losing its to-do lists and keeps trying to get my attention. Poor ego, it thinks it is god, and that its endless efforts are my salvation. It is, of course, delusional, and all that frantic seeking and panicked warnings that all is lost if I don’t return myself to its care are its death throes.
The Holy Spirit looks with me on the ego desire to be me and judges not, but gives the miracle of love instead. What does my day look like now? I don’t know. It is not for me to say, but simply to experience. In this moment, the only one that exists, there is only peace.