God is my refuge and security.
I will identify with what I think is refuge and security. I will behold myself where I perceive my strength, and think I live within the citadel where I am safe and cannot be attacked. Let me today seek not security in danger, nor attempt to find my peace in murderous attack. I live in God. In Him I find my refuge and my strength. In Him is my Identity. In Him is everlasting peace. And only there will I remember Who I really am.
Let me not seek for idols. I would come, my Father, home to You today. I choose to be as You created me, and find the Son whom You created as my Self.
When I look at the body and think, “me,” I am lost to my true identity. When I look at my body and think, “How would you use this body to extend love, Holy Spirit,” I am found. Or at least I am on my way to being found. In both cases I am using the body, but the results are very different. A Course in Miracles is given to us to help us remember that we are not the body, that we remain as we were created, eternal and perfect love. In spite of appearances, we remain in God, part of God.
Yesterday, Cate Grieves replied to a posting I made. She said this, “Ask God to wake you up.” Never before have I been open to this idea. Always I have felt like there was still so much to be undone before I could wake up. Yesterday, I asked God to wake me up. That was a fervent prayer. All prayer is answered so I can trust that this is true.
I am watching to see how this unfolds. Yesterday, I felt so happy and so peaceful for most of the day. I had thoughts of judgment and fear come into my mind and I also had true responses to those thoughts come into my mind. After awhile I had the thought that I must get rid of those thoughts, but then I realized that this was a judgment. I was judging myself for the thoughts and feeling unworthy of awakening. So I asked that my mind be healed of that belief. After that I relaxed into the process. I saw the thoughts and knew they were not me.
Then I saw a little bit of fear out of the corner of my mind’s eye. I started to turn away but realized it would be better to acknowledge what was happening. I pulled the fear out of the corner and looked at it. I let myself feel the fear completely, then I was reminded that I am in God and fear is not here. The fear dissipated so quickly and completely that I couldn’t bring it back, and had no interest in doing so.
Toward the end of the day I felt tired from all this. I recognized that this is the result of believing I am my thoughts and believing I must undo my thoughts. I reminded myself again not to judge the thoughts, just notice them and let them go, giving them no emphasis. I noticed the thought that I am guilty for my errors but I also remembered that can’t be true. I am in God and there is no guilt in God.
I couldn’t sleep much of the night and I started to worry about that, but I remembered that I am safe in God and under no laws but God’s. I do this kind of thing all the time so it is not so different than any other day. However, I felt different. I caught the thoughts and the feelings quickly, and I received the answers just as quickly.
The ego says it is not my time to awaken or else everything would be different now. Or maybe the truth is not true after all. But I don’t believe that. The part of the mind that doesn’t want to wake up is hanging on and grasping for straws, but I am ready to wake up and I asked, so I must receive. I am not going to question this and I am not going to second guess myself, or my decision. I am just going to watch.
I have, in the past, been worried about my job, and though I am not actively worried about it, I am not immune to that concern. This is the same as saying that my job is what makes me safe so if I lose it, or choose to give it up, then I am in danger. It is another way of saying that the job and the money I make are my gods now. They are the idol I made to take the place of my creator who is my only true refuge and security.
I am still in the process of loosening the hold on the identity as mother which is another way I have chosen to look for my refuge in a different place. I am reminded of this passage from ACIM.
The special love relationship is an attempt to limit the destructive effects of hate by finding a haven in the storm of guilt.
My special relationships with my children are my attempt to create a haven in a storm of guilt. I surround and enfold myself with this special love and for awhile it seems to work. There are moments of intense fear, guilt, and pain, but then it returns to being the haven I think I need. It seems to keep me safe from the lack of love I experience as a separated Son of God. But this haven began to disintegrate from the very moment I built it. It is another false idol.
Perhaps you remember the backlash from a comment that Kathy Griffin made when she received her Emmy. She wasn’t going to thank Jesus for this award. She said no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. She said, “This award is my god now!” There are a lot of angry Christians berating her for this, but she is only saying out loud what all of us do. We find something that makes us feel safe and call it god.
Holy Spirit, you know I have been conflicted about giving up certain of my idols and taking a chance that You know what you are doing when You say there is something standing behind them, something better. That moment of surrender is so scary. Please be with me. You said I could hold your hand when I went through the clouds and that is what I feel I need right now. I must admit I am afraid, but I am willing to see this differently.
Holy Spirit: You are loved and protected and fully supported, child. Indeed, you have chosen to look at some of your favorite idols and to finally put them aside. All of Heaven stands with you in this holy endeavor. Fear will offer you its protection, but that is an illusion because fear itself is an illusion. When fear tells you to turn away from this work and to return to what you know, remember that hiding in the illusion has not provided you with peace or joy, but only temporary respite from suffering. You are the Son of God and your Father would have you receive your birthright, which is eternal peace, eternal joy, eternal safety.
My dear friend, you stand on a threshold and the only thing barring your way is the fear of stepping through it. Many times you have stood paralyzed on the verge of the next perfect step in your awakening, and each time you have finally passed through the fear. Have you ever found the fear to be substantive in any way once you stepped into it?
Me: Holy Spirit, the fear was truly an illusion. It was nothing posing as reality. Once I allowed the fear to wash over me I saw that I remained unscathed. I am lost as to why I stand afraid of it again. You have directed me to many simple processes that I can use to gently traverse this field of darkness that seems to terrify me so much. And here I stand with the tool in my hand frozen in terror. It is ridiculous.
Holy Spirit: As I said to you yesterday, look away from the fear and from the story. If you are not looking at the story you will be able to see what is blocking your way. Embrace your trust and your deepest desire. Remember why you are doing this. Remember your purpose. Let your mind dwell on these things. If you watch fear you will become mesmerized by it and will place your faith in it, and it will fail you. Give Me your trust. I will guide you through the fear and into the Light.