V. The Two Emotions, P 4
4 The delusional can be very destructive, for they do not recognize they have condemned themselves. They do not wish to die, yet they will not let condemnation go. And so they separate into their private worlds, where everything is disordered, and where what is within appears to be without. Yet what is within they do not see, for the reality of their brothers they cannot recognize.
This sentence stands out to me: They do not wish to die, yet they will not let condemnation go. We are literally condemning ourselves to death with our grievances. I seem to live a life of confusion and condemnation and then I seem to die. All of this I do to myself because I will not let the condemnation go. I separate from all else and live in my private world where I imagine all is outside me. I imagine I am not responsible for anything because I have projected it outward and see it as belonging to others.
This disordered and deeply disturbing world seems to be caused by unkind and cruel people, the fault of greedy capitalists, corruptible politicians, drug lords, and the list goes on. I think that my boss is my problem, a co-worker, a competitor. I think that if only this person would love me better or that person were not in my life I could be happy. And all along, there is nothing outside me. There is only my mind that I alone rule. But in my confusion, I lash out, and I fight the shadow figures and bring more destruction into my private world.
Worst of all, I think, is that each of these “enemies” I have created in my imagination could be seen differently. If I forgive what I have done, they will be seen as holy and brilliant, so beautiful and perfect that I will want to fall to my knees before them. If I could let go of the destructive thinking and let my mind be healed of its fearful defenses, if I could do this, I would stop attacking the Son of God and I would remember what they are and what I am.
I look at my son and believe in his sickness and this is an attack on his holiness. In truth, I cannot affect his holiness, but in the attack of it, I obliterate it from my mind. I believe the insane picture of a sick child of God, and my heart breaks and I move deeper into the lower mind and further from the memory of God. I also do this with people I hardly know, with co-workers and friends.
I condemn myself to misery and suffering with the most casual thoughts. I treat my thoughts as if they had no power, all along I am making an insane world and pretending it just happened to me and I have no way out. Then a ray of light enters my mind and I see clearly for a bit. I recognize that I have but done this to myself and I turn to that light for more clarity.
That person at work that I thought of as my bitter enemy is suddenly seen as a reflection of my thoughts about myself. It is so clear that I am amazed I could have been so blind before. Just the day before I had trouble being in the same room with her. She seemed so sly and manipulative, so bossy and like my mortal enemy. Now from this more enlightened place in my mind, I look at the same face and I don’t see any of that.
Could it be that I was seeing only what was in my mind, only what I believed about myself, and now that this is healed, I am glimpsing the real person I had veiled with that projection? Or maybe I am still looking at myself, but it is a higher version of myself. Anyway it happened I am grateful to have let go of some of the death and destruction thoughts in my mind. Today I am not so separated and alone in the private world of my imagination as I was yesterday.