I. The Gifts of Fatherhood, P 9
9 The projection of the ego makes it appear as if God’s Will is outside yourself, and therefore not yours. In this interpretation it seems possible for God’s Will and yours to conflict. God, then, may seem to demand of you what you do not want to give, and thus deprive you of what you want. Would God, Who wants only your will, be capable of this? Your will is His life, which He has given to you. Even in time you cannot live apart from Him. Sleep is not death. What He created can sleep, but cannot die. Immortality is His Will for His Son, and His Son’s will for himself. God’s Son cannot will death for himself because His Father is Life, and His Son is like Him. Creation is your will because it is His.
I was thinking just this weekend of how I used to be afraid to turn over to God certain areas of my life. Here is an example. I would worry and fret over my youngest son because he was very sick for awhile, and still has a lot of pain from a back injury. When I think that I need my son to be well, I am no longer at peace.
I have made a choice for the peace of God and have said that the peace of God is everything I want. When I become anxious for my son, I have changed my mind and said that the peace of God is not everything I want, I also want my son to be well. I have discovered that wanting anything in the world catapults me out of peace. Either the peace of God is everything I want or it is not. Need and peace are opposites and I cannot have them both at the same time.
I thought about this and I realized that I felt a need to worry about my son. Was I afraid to turn him over to the care of God? If so, then I must think that God and I have different wills, and that God’s Will for my son is contrary to my will for him. This clearly cannot be right. God wills only love and happiness for us all. God is Love, could Love ever will for suffering?
The very idea of not worrying about my son seemed so strange to me. It was like my constant worry was all that stood between him and suffering. And yet, my worry brought no protection to my son, and no healing. As I began to let go of the idea that I needed anything from my son in order to be at peace, I returned to my dedicated purpose of choosing peace. I returned to trust.
As my mind cleared I realized that worry is like a negative prayer. It was like praying that my son would fulfill my expectations of pain and suffering. I began true prayer in which I remembered the truth instead. I remembered that he is God’s Son and He has the Holy Spirit in his mind just as I do. He will be led to the truth just as I am being led to the truth. I began to trust him, and I began to realize I don’t need him to be anything for me. His existence is gift enough.
I use this example because it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Seeing it from this side it is obvious that my neediness only got in the way of my relationship with my son. My worry only robbed me of peace. It was an expression of my belief that I have a will different than the Will of God.
I don’t know where my son’s story is going to take him, but I am certain that it will provide him with the opportunity to awaken. I am certain that he shares the Will of God, and his story will help him discover this. I will help him as I continue to know that this is true while he is still confused about it. There is unshakable peace in the recognition that God is not my enemy, that we share the same will.