Yet do so with a relaxed body and a soft breath and a non-grasping mind. Be you therefore like a sponge that allows the raindrops to be absorbed into the self, and that is all. Knowledge is not a cognitive struggle. It is not the arranging of ideas in some order that satisfies the thinking mind.
What I learned
This is a real challenge for me. I want to think about it and organize and come to conclusions. Slowly I am learning to let that go. The operative word here is slowly. I find that it is helpful to have the book on CD. Listening to Jeshua’s words makes it easier for me to do this. I just let the words fall over me like a gentle rain. My mind will wander away for a bit, but evidently I am absorbing all along because suddenly I will be fully engaged when something strikes me as important. It is almost like I have been tapped on the shoulder because I am being told something that will soon be helpful.
But if you look ahead, and feel that there is a distance between where you are and where that reality is, you will miss the opportunities required – right where you are – to practice where you are going, by being it now.
What I learned
I was reading this section and thinking that I just cannot hold onto the idea that it is my destiny to take my rightful place beside Jeshua. I told him that sometimes I feel, just a little, what it means to experience who I am, and within seconds I am feeling foolish for thinking this. I am SO far from that. So which is it? Jeshua says it is the former, but empirical evidence points to the latter. I asked Jeshua what to make of this. I listened for a moment but he had nothing to say to me. Then I picked up the book and read the next paragraph which I quoted above. Is that funny or what?
So I am right back where I have been, using the now moment to practice remembering who I am by being it now. Ok, I mostly practice letting go of whatever is in the way of being it now. I have a feeling that this is going to eventually morph into something else. I am already experiencing peace more often than not so I must be making progress. No matter what is going on in my story and no matter how upset I am, my background program is all about bringing it to the Holy Spirit and asking Him for correction. That is progress, too, I think. I am willing is my daily, hourly, even sometimes minute by minute mantra and that must be progress as well.
The next paragraph talks about The Way of Transformation. It says that I will be asked to become truly present where I am, to deliberately and consciously cultivate, with every thought and every breath, the willingness necessary that allows the root of fear to be dissolved. Last night when I got home from work it was 10pm. My family was all out of town and the house was empty. When I drove up I was very conscious of how silent the neighborhood was, all houses dark, everyone asleep. When I went to the door, it was unlocked.
I am not usually afraid for my safety. I travel alone and stay at hotels every week. I wind up driving through parts of strange towns that I obviously should not be in. I talk to strangers all the time. I just don’t worry about it. But last night I was spooked by the hour and by the open door. I thought about not going in, and about calling someone to meet me at the house. But who? I had no idea so I just went in. I searched the house thoroughly, not because that would in some way be helpful (if I found an intruder lurking what good would that do?) but because I did not want to lay awake wondering if someone was in the house.
But once I had invited fear into my mind it set up housekeeping. I spent the entire night in fear and hardly slept at all. Even while it was happening I knew this was very weird. I had nothing to be afraid of, really. I nearly never get afraid like this, and absolutely never hold onto the fear in this way. I would lay there just absolutely paralyzed with fear, fighting down the feelings. I kept up a running conversation with the Holy Spirit, but I still experienced the fear. It was like half my mind was in fear and the other half was watching with a willingness to see it differently. No different, really, than what I do all day long, only this was a little bizarre because of how extreme my feelings were.
Sometime during the night I remembered the Prayer to Dissolve Fear which says:
Rest, assured, you are not alone. In any moment, you need only call upon me, and I am with you. And I do not come alone! For some of you, then, we would highly suggest that in these moments when you feel like you need a little help, when fear seems to be coming up, but you know you must go ahead, whatever it be, whatever you think you are fearing, simply say:
Legions of angels and masters and friends,
Whose number is infinite beyond comprehension,
You who are sent directly of God to assist me over the ditch,
Come now, because I declare it and I receive it.
And therefore it is!
Then take the step that is necessary to take. It will not be your imagination. We will be with you. And the perfect end is certain. …
We love you. Beyond your present comprehension, we love you.
I felt some relief and dozed off. Then I woke up again and was back in fear. I finally decided to stop fighting the feeling and allow myself to experience it with the full knowledge that it was ok. I was not alone. It felt like waves of terror breaking over me. It happened over and over. But really, it was a little better now that I was not fighting it. I was getting very tired and wanted it to end but also wanted to know what it was about. How could I use this for my healing? I suddenly remembered that I had the Meditation into the Heart of Christ CD in my player next to the bed. I put it on and listened and soon was asleep. I awoke to hear different parts but I was fine. This morning (only a couple of hours later) I woke up feeling perfectly normal except for being a little tired.
I don’t know what that was all about. I am glad to see that I stayed with the program no matter what. I kept going back to Spirit and I never lost sight of my purpose even though I also felt out of control because I could not stop the feelings. Ok, let me rephrase that. I was unwilling to let go of the fear. But I was also unwilling to let go of Holy Spirit. Holy cow! What a strange experience! The thing is, everything that is in my life is there for my healing and so I fully accept it and am willing to use it for that purpose. That is the truth and nothing, not even a bizarre night like this one will shake me from that commitment.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.