Who do I know in my existence who I have judged, and locked
into a certain box, and I have decided that is all they are?
What I learned
More than once I have looked at my life for those I judge and have been willing to see them differently. This time when I did it I noticed a new enthusiasm for it. I really want this work done. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me bring up those I still need to forgive. As each one came up I allowed myself to go into the experience of it, to remember exactly what it was about them that I judged and how that felt. I paid close attention to how I was using this person to stay in victim mode. This time I was able to see some of the more subtle forms of judgment, and some of the more subtle ways I value victimhood.
For example, I started thinking about my son. He has been sick and I have been worried about him. I noticed that this has brought up judgments against him. I think he is wrong for not looking at this from a spiritual standpoint. I judge him for letting go of his spiritual practices. Then I noticed that I was judging his girlfriend because his new attitude happened at the same time he started dating her. My judgments of Toby are directly related to my fear of something happening to him and my resentment of the unhappiness I am experiencing because of my worry for him.
The Holy Spirit helped me to see how this relates to my desire to be a victim. I see my world profoundly affected by Toby’s physical condition. I see my level of anxiety directly connected to his lack of well-being. In other words, I see myself as victim to Toby. I think that Toby and his illness are the cause of how I feel. I could not experience victimhood if I did not value it.
Nothing is caused by anything outside me. All that I experience is the result of what I already believe to be true. I think it and I see it; not the other way around. I am the one who decided that Toby being sick was making me sad. Toby did not cause me to be sad. Toby is just working on his own lessons. My reaction to what is happening is caused by what I choose to believe. I see possible disaster because that is what I want to see.
Even as I write this I feel a resistance to letting it go. I want to cry out that I cannot stop worrying about Toby and that what is happening to him is real and scary. I am trying to let this go and am having trouble doing so. I wonder why it is that I cling to this drama, because that is really all I am doing. He will continue with his own story and his own lessons regardless of how I choose to feel. I can be sad and afraid or I can use this moment for my healing and let go of all that. Either way, Toby stays on his path, so I cannot think that my choice to worry or not to worry is going to make any difference to him.
It does make a difference to me, however. My choice to worry and fret is a choice for ego. I am convincing myself that my world is created by others, and that I am their victim. It is strange the way I think. I imprison Toby with my judgments and I imprison myself with my fears. Then I decide that Toby did this to me and I am helpless within the situation. If I stay with this thinking, I am throwing away my birthright. I am laying my power on the altar of the ego and gaining the illusion of helplessness in its place. What a strange decision to make.
Jeshua reminds me that as I look at each of these judgments, I must release them at the level in which they were first created. He suggests I spend thirty days in this forgiveness process and not leave any undone. What I most appreciate is that he reminds me that I don’t need to question if I did a good job because it is “the Comforter that releases you and the other, through your willingness to allow it to occur.” Thank God for that.
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.