I am the source of my experience.
I am feeling disturbed.
What is it in me that needs to be healed?
What I have learned
There is a young woman I do not like. I find it disturbing because usually I would say there is this particular thing about this person I do not like and from there I work with it until whatever it is in me has been forgiven. But I could only look with dislike on this person and be very uncomfortable. I finally mentioned it to a couple of people hoping something would pop up. I know I am projecting. That I recognize something in her can only mean that I am familiar with it. Either I have done it before and failed to forgive it in myself or I do it now and am repulsed by my own behavior and so try to get rid of it by tossing it onto her.
I told Holy Spirit that I was tired of carrying around this projection. Once you understand projection it is impossible to keep kidding yourself about it. It is like sitting uncomfortably on a fence unable to get down on either side. I tried to let the source of my dislike float up into my mind but I was too resistant. I tried to figure it out, looking for signs of myself in this woman. Neither thing worked. I mentioned it to a mind healing partner and she told me about a process she is doing with a long held resentment. She began praying for the person she resented. She prayed that this person would receive everything that she herself wanted. She wrote down each desire of her heart and asked that the other person be granted these beautiful gifts of love and abundance. She is doing this for two weeks.
I was very excited to hear this because it felt right to me. When I hear something meant for me I feel a kind of vibration deep within myself. The truth in me recognizing the truth in her, I think. So I began that process and prayed for this woman asking that she be granted all the things I want for myself. Immediately I felt better, knowing I am finally going to come into a full willingness to be healed of my disturbance.
Then I spoke to another mind healing partner and though I had not planned to mention this situation it came up. I was trying to explain what it is about her that I don’t like, even though I had never been able to do this before. I mentioned that it was hard to like her because she put up a wall that was impenetrable, just no way to get close to her. I had not realized before that this was bothering me, but as I talked to her about it I thought about what it feels like to hug her, kind of like hugging a tree, smoother bark but just about as responsive. As I spoke I started feeling some recognition in my mind. I used to be pretty closed off. I hated hugging and didn’t want people too close. It was just a little flash of recognition and nothing I wanted to think about because there is still some of that in me.
Then I told my friend I didn¡¦t like her voice because it sounded like a helpless little girl and was ridiculous coming out of this grown woman. Oh my, as I said this I heard myself. The venom in my voice indicated how strongly I hated this about her. I know I have a scared little girl in me that I have spent a life time ignoring and shutting up. She only shows herself masked as something else. She steps out as the trusting and loving person who gets victimized in the name of spiritual sacrifice. She slips out in relationships and acts as if love is sacrifice. She is like a fearful dog that rolls over to show her belly in hopes that submissiveness will ward off attack. I am very ashamed of her and have been for many years. That is why I hide her and pretend she doesn¡¦t exist. She was born to be a victim and I don’t want to be identified with her.
I don’t hate this other woman; I hate this part of myself. She just shows me the parts of myself that I loathe the most. Is this classic projection or what? My prayers for her have taken on a new quality. I know what I most want for her and I really want her to have it. I want to look at her and see, not the weak and fearful child victim, but the wholly loved and accepted child. I want to embrace her child and so embrace my own. I have begun to see this woman differently. I hid my child but she honestly put hers forward. She is playing an important part for me, and so is facilitating a healing in my mind. For awhile now I have been accepting healing in little small increments for my little girl, and this feels like a chunk. Woohoo!
All quotes are used by kind permission of the Shanti Christo Foundation. To buy a copy of this profound book visit their website at www.shantichristo.com. I invite your thoughts and comments.